Glassman’s number 1 fan

 

Glassman was strapped to a chair and his arms were bound by rope. He awoke in a room that was surrounded by newspaper clippings, posters, action figures, memorabilia and cardboard cut outs. Some items were aged relics of the 90’s while others were fresh. They all had one thing in common: they were all about him. Glassman toys and t-shirts, trading cards and mugs, even Glassman items he had never seen before.

‘Oh God I’m in hell aren’t I?’ he muttered.

A door opened up and into the room entered an overweight greasy fan boy with a pony tail whom wore a Glassman t-shirt and jean cut offs.

‘You’re awake at lashted’ slurred the geek.

‘Get me out of this chair you fucking weirdo,’ shouted Glassman.

‘I am Ernest and I am you’re number one fan.’

‘I don’t care you little shit, if you were my number one fan you’d have bought me a drink or just left me the hell alone. Now get me out of this chair.’

‘I’m afraid I can’t do that. You shee Glassh-man you will be living with me forever!’

Glassman have a grim look at the super nerd.

‘So your mum’s okay with you living in her basement and keeping me down here?’ he asked.

‘Shut up… and I don’t live with her, she livesh with me,’ said Ernest.

‘Look I have the ability to manipulate glass, one fragment of a computer screen or a window and I will fuck your shit up.’

He looked around the room and noticed that there were no light bulbs. The room was light by glow sticks and candles from the Glassman alter.

‘I know that Glassh-man, thatsh why there ish no glassh in thish placesh.’

‘Okay all I heard at the end of that sentence was this on-going hiss so…’

‘Shilence! We are going to shtart our new friendship by reading my shcreen play: Glassh-man the movie. I wrote it after reading all the unoffishal biographies about your life. You will read for Glassh-man obvioushly and I will be reading ash the narrator, the villain and your shidekick: Shuper Shexy doombringer lad.’

‘Super sexy doombringer lad? That’s so fucking stupid.’

‘It’s no shtupid!’

‘Fine, but can I get a whisky or something to help me.’

And so the pair sat through and read it aloud. Glassman read it mono toned and droll, while Ernest put all his energy into every scene. After an hour there was a small break for Mountain Dew and Dortios before they continued.

‘We that sheemed to crack him up,’ said Ernest.

‘Too right super sexy doombringer lad… seriously I would drop the lad Ernest it just a bit of a mouthful. Like in an emergency situation you want to be called for in like under a minute or there’s no point. Too many syllables,’ said Glassman.

‘ Shtop breaking character.’

‘I’m playing myself, how is that breaking character?’

‘ Jusht read the shcript.’

‘Geeze someone can’t handle constructive criticism. It’s your line anyway.’

The script was pulled back.

‘Now we can go save Daishy Jade.’

The script was placed in front of Glassman, but he didn’t continue reading.

‘That’s it… not playing anymore,’ he said.

‘Come on it’sh going to be aweshome,’ said Ernest. ‘ Everyone loved Daishy aka Rare flower, she was beautiful.’

‘She was real person, not just a character you can throw in to pad out this crappy script.’

‘Why not, just becaushe you didn’t shave her in real life doeshn’t mean we can’t have a good shtory.’

‘Fuck you. I’m glad Daisy never lived to see this plot holed, cliché, piece of shit.’

Glassman was slapped across the face.

‘ Sho ash I wash shaying: Glassh-man and Shuper Shexy Doombringer lad meet up with the Rare flower. Oh Glasshman you’ve come to shave me.’

Glassman ignored the slurred words of his capture. He could only imagine the moment when he tried to save her. He wasn’t fast enough to spare her the agonising death of radiation poisoning. He sealed the leak that saved the city, but at the price of her life. If he had acted sooner she would have lived. He gave mercy and was punished for it.

His arms quaked and he broke free of his bonds. An arm reached out for Ernest mid-sentence and pulled him to the floor. Blow after blow was struck until his fist ran red. Glassman then wiped his hands off on the shirt of his number 1 fan and left his prison. He was right the first time, he was in hell.