The future of petty crime

 

A news alert when off on Jackie’s phone. Another range of thumb-less victims on a crime spree. She swiped it away and carried on playing the latest download of Candy Crunch when a mugger jumped out with a knife. He pulled Jackie close to him and held a knife to her neck. She handed over her purse and her phone before walking away. That was when he called to her.

‘Stop!’ said the Mugger.

Jackie tried to run away, but she was tackled to the ground. The Mugger pinned her down.

‘Please don’t,’ she begged.

‘I’ve got something else for you, you might get a bit messy,’ he said.

Her face cringed as his free hand slide down his leg. Out of his trousers came a little box that he flicked open. An ink pad.

‘I need you to dip your thumb in this and print it in triplicate,’ said the Mugger.

‘What?’ asked Jackie.

‘Look I need your thumb print okay so I can unlock your phone.’

‘Well that’s the point, it’s so you can’t unlock it.’

‘Look I could be the bad guy in this situation. I could cut off your thumb and leave, but this is just the better way for me alright.’

‘No, cut off my thumb I dare you.’

The mugger looked at the woman. The woman then began unscrewing her thumb and threw it to the ground.

‘Some asshole already got me okay, so take it and piss off,’ she said.

‘God I’m sorry,’ said the Mugger. ‘I didn’t know.’

‘Well fuck you man, I lost that thumb back when I had a 4 digit lock. Seriously does a person deserve to lose a thumb over a mobile? Hell it used to be I gave you the phone and you’d walk off, now it’s like a bank visit.’

‘You know I’ll just take the purse.’

‘Just the purse, gee what a gentleman. Up yours you piece of shit.’

And the Mugger walked away with nothing as the woman screwed in her thumb.

Table Manners

It was at Alice’s later dinner party that it had all finally erupted into chaos. After working so hard on the starter of fine pea soup, one of her guest made the first snape.
‘Well this wine goes down well, shame the same can’t be said of the soup’.
The surface simmered.
‘I do hope the main course is something more digestible than this meal.’
The table started to rumble.
‘I find this watery sludge quite bland overall.’
It all erupted.
‘Oy Cock-face, the only thing bland around here is your conversations,’ screamed the pea soup.
‘Pardon?’ said the rude guest.
‘You heard me tit-head, no are given a damn about what’s happening in Finnish politics. Seriously go out, get fucked and come back when you’ve lived a life!’
The rude guest flooded with tears. What do you do when your food upsets you? Of course, you run to the toilets.