Up selling suicide

 

Richard had entered the gun store to purchase his ticket out of this God forsaken world. He examined all the pistols on the wall, but didn’t know what he wanted.

‘Can I help you sir?’ asked the Shop keep.

‘I just want a pistol… just a cheap one,’ muttered Richard.

The Shop Keep raised his eye brows.

‘Oh I see… thinking of ending it all.’

‘Erm…’

‘No problem… so what kind of barrel do to you want?’

‘What?’

‘Yeah it depends on what you want: length, material, flavour…’

‘Wait when did guns come with flavour?’

‘Well you should enjoy your last shot right? So different barrels have different lengths to stop gagging and to fit into your mouth. The softness of the metal for your teeth, so you’re as comfortable as possible. Then different metals taste different.’

‘Why have you thought so much into this?’

‘All good business men have to think of products and add-ons.’

Richard was taken aback by the bluntness of the Shop keep.

‘So what if I don’t want metal to be the last taste in my mouth?’ he asked.

‘We have flavoured lotions and sprays for your gun barrel: strawberry, banana, pineapple and cherry,’ explained the Shop Keep.

‘And people actually buy this stuff?’

‘They buy it, but we don’t get much customer feedback… so it must be good. Plus I spread it on my toast once in a while.’

‘I’m starting to feel that if you can’t put a barrel in your mouth, maybe you shouldn’t kill yourself.’

‘Oh a bit homophobic, eh? Well we have the vagina attachment. Simply slide it into the barrel, spray a flavour on and press you lips onto it. You can eat pussy as you die. Well you’ll taste a lot of blood if you’re semi-conscious for a few seconds… so it isn’t that unrealistic if you’ve been a brave kind of lover.’

‘No way in fuck am I dying with a vagina gun okay… seriously how is this legal?’

‘Suicide is legal, and this doesn’t count as assisted suicide in the same way I can’t be prosecuted for homicide if you buy a gun and shoot someone.’

‘Maybe I should just hang myself.’

‘ You say that, the rope salesman going to give you similar things… velvet rope, fuzzy step ladder, rice paper suicide note and adult diapers.’

‘Adult diapers?’

‘Yeah you shit yourself when you die. Just gonna tell you that now, no dignity whatever way you go.’

Richard decided to leave the store and carry on with his life. Nothing he was ever going to face in his life would be worse than being stood in that conversation for a second longer.