A little Safari for the family- a tribute to Cecil the lion

 

Good morning everyone and welcome to your safari trip,

We hope you have pleasant day and it goes without a hitch,

Now on our guided tour of Africa’s wildlife we give a few hints,

Take nothing but pictures and leave nothing but foot prints,

Now behold this warthog while I tell you an interesting fact,

These pigs mostly eat *BANG* oh God what was that?

 

 

It was I! Obnoxious, ignorant, white rich American,

Using my gun to separate the boys from the men,

*(sir this a protected animal sanctuary)*

I got the money and therefore do whatever I please,

Now step out my out my way, I’m talking this one out at the knees.

*BANG*

 

 

Okay boys and girls why don’t we just keep moving ahead,

To a different part of the park, we the animals are less dead.

There’s plenty of beauty and nature that roams around free,

There’s lions, giraffes and hippos, all sort animals to see.

Speaking of which, there’s my long necked friend, I call him Sly,

I’ve known for over seven years *BANG* Not again oh why God why??!

 

 

Here I am, Obnoxious, ignorant, white rich American,

A female hunter to prove women are just as equal as men,

*(You crazy bitch what’s death got to do with equality?)*

Silence you chauvinist male with all your privileges,

I have the right to hunt even if I wasn’t born with the right appendages.

*(It doesn’t stop you being wrong! Seriously what the hell is wrong with you?!)*

 

 

This job getting stressful, but I know how we can relax,

We can see the lionesses hunting if we head there fast,

There they are all alive and happy with Cecil, the leader of the pride

But I’m not sure why he’s limping… what’s that stuck in his side?

 

 

Everyone look at me, Obnoxious, ignorant, white rich American,

I’m the greatest hunter that there’s ever been,

I’ll kill this lion with nothing, but my skill and my bow,

And I only started hunting this beast just two days ago,

*(It’s taken you two days. If you were so great you would have got in the first shot)*

Now I have another trophy that other hunters will envy,

And I doubt none of those pussies will ever out do me.

Unless of course I take back the hippo that my eyes do peep,

*(where?)*

That one that’s sat in between the tourists hanging in the Jeep,

*(that’s not a hippo, that’s American tourist! Oh now he’s drawing his bow… drive you fools!)*

The gun, the girl, the giraffe and Gervais

Recently there’s been a bit of a twitter war between the Comedian Ricky Gervais and an American hunter called Rebecca Francis. The cause: Rebecca Francis’s picture of her safari where she shot a giraffe and takes a selfie with the trophy (a dead giraffe). The argument can be seen from two sides. With Gervais it’s the very British gut reaction ( and hopefully shared by most of the world) that killing a giraffe for sport is disgusting waste of life. Francis’s argument is that the only reason she’s being attacked is because she’s a female hunter.

This spat really breaks into about two arguments, the main one being: the ethics of huntings and the lesser argument of gender equality. From my understanding this is what going on the various side’s heads.
Gervais: This Mong gun nut has on out, chosen one of the most beautiful and gentle creatures, and killed it for fun. Not only she’s so ignorant of the insult this has to people around the world, she actually taken a picture and posted it as a sort of ‘beat that’ to other hunters. This is wrong.
Francis’s: I am proud hunter, it’s part of my culture and who I am. I take pride in my hobby, just like a fisherman, a baker or painter. I haven’t killed a person or committed a crime. I went to a safari, paid to legally shoot any animal I wanted and I made that choice. The only reason I’m being targeted is because I am a woman. If a man did this then they wouldn’t be attacked or threatened with death/rape ect. I’m not the first person to kill a giraffe and probably not the first woman to do so, nor will be the last. I am not going to change just because some celebrity tell me what I have to do.

I feel that fairly sums up both sides. I should start by saying I support Gervais, but I feel like an issue like this needs more than 150 characters on twitter to explain.

 

Rebecca, a lot of people don’t like killing animals. It’s hypercritical statement since we most of us eat meat and let’s face it, when we justify it with free range and organic, the animals still have crap lives. Still we like animals and in many ways you do (be it dead). You probably have pets and you think that are animals that you eat, animals you own and animals for decoration. Most people would find the last of those not apply to them. In America you have gun culture that most Europeans do not really understand. In UK our police don’t carry guns as standard, and hunting is a very upper class sport with shotguns aiming at wild birds and the rare deer. However there is are good arguments for hunting as a means of population control and you can eat most of what you hunt.The issue we have is when an animal such as a giraffe is shot for sport.

Giraffes are very iconic as graceful herbivores that roam the savannah freely. While they do get into some brutal whiplash fights, generally giraffes are harmless and a part of the ecosystem. So when we see someone gloating with a dead one, we all get pissed off a little on the inside. Why you had to kill it and not let it live for others to see, it’s beyond my understanding. Take a picture and go home.
What also needs to be explained is, is that this has nothing to do with being a woman. You say this is sexism, but all I have said above could be argued to any man, woman, child, any age, any race, any creed or colour (color… kills me a little on the inside to write that.) This seems like a very personal attack and it shouldn’t be. Shame on anyone who has made a death/rape or any form of damage towards you. Personally I don’t like hunting, regardless if you have a penis or not. Gender doesn’t matter to myself, Ricky or most rational people. I feel sad that the people around you have made you feel less of person or suggested you shouldn’t be allowed to be seen as equal as a man ( even if it’s in an area I personally am not fond of).
In a way you were not out to upset or provoke people, you wanted to say ‘ I am a hunter and I am a woman, treat me equal’. You created a space for hunters to share with other hunters. No one would have known or cared if it hadn’t been an open Facebook group rather than maybe a website. Let’s face it, maybe the campaign would have continued, but there are darker things that we (including Ricky) would rather seen removed from the internet before hunting pictures. The concern is that having these pictures promotes others to try and match or go up the ladder. You may have done it legally, but not everyone gonna follow the rules and that’s why we have animals on the endangered high risk list. Where is the line when the hunting community stops? When there’s only 10? 5? 2? 1?
I want to end this part with one question. Would you have been any less of person or a hunter if you had let that giraffe live?

Ricky, big fan of your TV shows, ( bit near the bone on Derek as an autistic person, but I’m high functioning so I’ll let it slide for another discussion). Fighting against hunters is very much an up hill struggle and while I am very upset about the pictures, I can see why Rebecca is quite defensive. Yes, she did create this group for glorifying hunting, but have you actually gone through and, named and shamed every person on that group? You picked the leader, but there were other very shocking photos that turned my stomach. Maybe it needs to be fanned out rather than focused on one person. Also with celebrity status comes a power/protection that Rebecca doesn’t have. You have never asked any of your followers to tweet death threats or any threats, yet they’ve happened. People have decided to jump on the bandwagon, but will quote you to justify terrible actions. When someone threatens you, then you can pay for some extra security or hide out a bit if you thought you were in genuine danger. Rebecca may not have that option. Celebrity is a force, but like many forces it can be hard to hold back or stop. It would be horrible if Rebecca was injured as a result of your tweet. You have the right to free speech, but can you see why Rebecca had to put her guard up. Can anyone say sorry anymore on the internet without being dog-piled on?
The next thing is a sad(or inconvenient) truth to your case. What Rebecca does might actually be good for the ecosystem and other animals. You can the watch the Louis Theroux documentary: African Hunting holiday (which I recommend everyone do for some insight to what I’m trying to explain). Basically, Africa isn’t doing well and many conservation centres need to make money to preserve the wildlife. While we have charities and tourism, one way of doing it is to let people come down and hunt the wild life. You pay quite bit of money, depending on your animal (going into the thousands) and a tracker helps you find what you want. You get the experience that many people had back in the 19th century and your trophy. The animal also doesn’t got to waste. The meat is then given out to the local community so they can eat it and keep them going. Since this is a business, you can see how they’re not going to let an animal die unless they can have enough to replace said animal and care for it. Also given the cost, this is not going to be an amature hunt meaning at least these animals are going down quickly. No one going to let someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing shoot a lion or a rhino. If they miss, they waste a fortune or maybe piss off animal and get mauled by it (rightly so mind you).
So let’s compare the lamb to the gazelle. One lives for a few years, one a few months. One has a miles to roam free, one has a field. One gets shot at random without warning, another gets culled on mass and has to wait to be slaughtered one by one. Is hunting gazelle not sounding more humane than farming lambs?
My next point is very simple: would you have cared if it hadn’t been a giraffe? I saw pictures of lions and I felt sad, but when it was a warthog or a reptile it didn’t have the same effect. Something about that giraffe has invoked something within so many people, but could we not have cared more about the warthog? Okay your first instinct is ‘ of course, hunting wrong regardless what you kill?’ So my next question is ‘do you have time to post every picture of a hunter with a boar or deer or swordfish.’ If the answer’s no then you have to admit, it might be more about the giraffe than the hunt.

I hope both parties feel I’ve represented them fairly and tried to explain the other’s argument to support their grounds. In summary, Rebecca we respect you as person and if you want to enjoy your hobby, but can you (and all your fellow hunters) go towards Bambi’s forest and not pick off everything that the light touches from pride rock. Ricky… fighting the good fight, but you need hit out at the sin, not the sinner or not at all.

Up selling suicide

 

Richard had entered the gun store to purchase his ticket out of this God forsaken world. He examined all the pistols on the wall, but didn’t know what he wanted.

‘Can I help you sir?’ asked the Shop keep.

‘I just want a pistol… just a cheap one,’ muttered Richard.

The Shop Keep raised his eye brows.

‘Oh I see… thinking of ending it all.’

‘Erm…’

‘No problem… so what kind of barrel do to you want?’

‘What?’

‘Yeah it depends on what you want: length, material, flavour…’

‘Wait when did guns come with flavour?’

‘Well you should enjoy your last shot right? So different barrels have different lengths to stop gagging and to fit into your mouth. The softness of the metal for your teeth, so you’re as comfortable as possible. Then different metals taste different.’

‘Why have you thought so much into this?’

‘All good business men have to think of products and add-ons.’

Richard was taken aback by the bluntness of the Shop keep.

‘So what if I don’t want metal to be the last taste in my mouth?’ he asked.

‘We have flavoured lotions and sprays for your gun barrel: strawberry, banana, pineapple and cherry,’ explained the Shop Keep.

‘And people actually buy this stuff?’

‘They buy it, but we don’t get much customer feedback… so it must be good. Plus I spread it on my toast once in a while.’

‘I’m starting to feel that if you can’t put a barrel in your mouth, maybe you shouldn’t kill yourself.’

‘Oh a bit homophobic, eh? Well we have the vagina attachment. Simply slide it into the barrel, spray a flavour on and press you lips onto it. You can eat pussy as you die. Well you’ll taste a lot of blood if you’re semi-conscious for a few seconds… so it isn’t that unrealistic if you’ve been a brave kind of lover.’

‘No way in fuck am I dying with a vagina gun okay… seriously how is this legal?’

‘Suicide is legal, and this doesn’t count as assisted suicide in the same way I can’t be prosecuted for homicide if you buy a gun and shoot someone.’

‘Maybe I should just hang myself.’

‘ You say that, the rope salesman going to give you similar things… velvet rope, fuzzy step ladder, rice paper suicide note and adult diapers.’

‘Adult diapers?’

‘Yeah you shit yourself when you die. Just gonna tell you that now, no dignity whatever way you go.’

Richard decided to leave the store and carry on with his life. Nothing he was ever going to face in his life would be worse than being stood in that conversation for a second longer.