Captain Cautious: What the Cluck?

The local Southern Fried Chicken shop was in the middle of the lunch hour rush, when disaster struck.

‘We’re out of popcorn chicken!’ shouted the greasy faced teen to the cook at the back of the kitchen.

Not that… but seriously who the fuck runs out of popcorn chicken at a chicken shop? I guess I was getting ahead of myself. What I was referring to was about to in 3…2… The glass doors shattered open and a dozen armed men in full black combat gear stormed inside. They pinned customers to the ground and pressed their guns to the heads of their hostages. The last to enter was a veiled woman holding chicken in her arms.

‘Everyone on their knees,’ she said.

A large man with arms painted with ink scowled and reused to kneel.

‘I’ve been waiting to eat my Mega Mothercluker bucket for fifteen minutes and I’m not letting some granny cut the line.’

A screech of a bullet that pierced through his eye socket ended his protest. The manager of the shop came forward, his golden name badge glittering in the flickering lights.

‘Look take the money from the tills, you can have it all.’

The veiled woman stared blankly at the Manager.

‘This isn’t about your blood money,’ she spat. ‘This is about chicken… about revenge.’

The armed men looked their arms into place and aimed their weapons ready to spread their hot lead all over the crowd. Their fingers rested on the triggers and without hesitation they pulled it back. No shots were fired. The men clicked their triggers and shook their guns. Was it a jam? Surely it wasn’t all of them. They quickly examined their weapons trying to find the cause. They then heard footsteps from behind them and saw a man in a red costume, yellow work boots and cape. On his head was a safety helmet and his eyes were protected by rubble goggles.

‘Oh shit its Captain Cautious!’ said one of the henchmen.

‘Yes gentleman,’ said Captain Cautious, ‘and you’ll find that playing with those firearms is rather dangerous. That’s why I put the… safety on!’

The combat goons did everything they could to flick the switch, but the safety would not budge.

‘What are you waiting for?’ said the veiled woman. ‘Just kill him!’

The men charged at Captain Cautious, but by their third step they each made slipped on the floor. Captain Cautious then pointed to the spillage from the self-serve drinks machine.

‘There should have been a ‘wet floor’ sign here,’ he announced.

With a wink of his eye, a yellow sign appeared in his hands. As each of the gun men tried to raise, Captain Cautious smacked them around the face with the sign, keeping them down.

‘Screw this,’ said one of the henchmen as his crawled away towards the door.

His body was pierced with broken glass as he pressed over it on his elbows and knees. He left a trail of blood that his fellow gunmen followed as they were beaten by the heroic caped crusader.

The veiled woman clapped her hands.

‘Well done Captain Cautious, ‘she said. ‘Strange how a wet floor took priority over broken glass.’

‘It was… safety glass,’ said Captain Cautious as he gave another wink.

A broom and a dustpan appeared and started to sweep up the glass away.

‘Well aren’t we clever… but not smart enough,’ said the veiled woman. ‘I know your weakness.’

The veil woman gave a high pitch whistle and the sound of clucking starting to echo around the store. There was panic and screams of horror when they arrived. They pushed themselves through the window, the doors, the drains, vents and pipes. Feathers fluttering in air and that terrible clucking noise. Captain Cautious was surrounded by an army of chickens. No regular chickens mind you. Blood thirsty hung over at 5:24 pissed off chickens. Captain cautious fell to the floor.

‘That’s right, you can’t consciously hurt an animal,’ laughed the veiled woman. ‘My chicken army will take over the world. Now attack my ladies… attack those who feed on the genocide of your kind.’

One of the chicken led the charge with wings flapping. Faster her little legs ran until she could build the momentum to hover in the air; beak forward towards Captain Cautious. As the chicken reached face to face with the safety hero, the roaring sound of metal pierced through the poultry and pinned it to the wall. The bird was nailed by the spinning teeth of chainsaw that spat blood and feathers over the occupants of the restaurant. From the entrance stood a man holding a large crossbow. He wore black leather jacket, sunglasses and Doc martin boots. His hands were covered in tattoos that changed shape and style with every movement.

‘Chattering chainsaws Giblets you could have caught me!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘Oh my God it’s always bitching and moaning with you,’ said Giblets throwing down his crossbow. ‘This thing takes like five minutes to reload so I’m gonna have to do this Manchester street style.’

Giblets took out his iconic weapon of choice: brick on a chain and swung it in the air.

‘Eat brick you chicken shits!’ he shouted.

Birds were smacked, knocked and crushed out of the air. Not a single peak or toe would reach Giblets as his weapon either cracked skulls or the chain cut his enemies to pieces. He even managed to wrap two chicken necks in the chain and pull their heads off; their bodies still running around. Finally there was only one of the warrior chickens left. Giblet’s threw down his weapon and grappled the bird to the floor. With unbridled rage he began beating the chicken before taking a bite out of it.

‘Tastes like… Victory!’ he said as the pink flesh drooled from his teeth.

Captain Cautious then summoned several additional wet floor signs dotted around the pools of blood.

‘It’s over lady,’ said Captain Caution. ‘Give us the chicken and come with us!’

‘Never,’ said the veiled woman.

‘Then you leave me no option.’

Captain Cautious threw out from his wrists a web of bubble wrap that wrapped around the veiled woman. It gripped her legs tightly and she fell softly to her side, the sound of popping following. The chicken in her grasp managed to scoot free and stood away from her.

‘Secure and safe,’ said Captain Cautious giving Giblets a thumbs up. The pair of heroes then pulled off the veil to reveal a faceless mannequin.

‘Did we pull too hard again?’ asked Giblets.

‘Not quite my deranged friend… that’s our enemy!’ said Captain Cautious pointing to the chicken.

‘You haven’t seen the last of me,’ said the chicken. ‘You may have been beaten me, but I…’

‘Holy shit CC it’s a talking chicken!’ shouted Giblets. ‘Anyone got a camera phone?’

‘As I was saying… next time we meet I will destroy…’

‘Wait answer the age old question… why did the chicken cross the road?’

‘To fuck your whore of a mother. So long dipshits!’

And with those final words the chicken ran away.

‘Blast it… the foul fowl got away from us,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘At least we have chicken,’ said Giblets.

Giblets picked up the several dead chicken and placed them on the counter.

‘We’ll have these to go with some fries and…. You still doing them cheesy bites things? Also give me like five or six of those BBQ sauce packets, two is never enough.’

In the police station, our motley crew are sat awaiting the words of one PI Chumlee. A proud and vigilant enforcer of the law, he had dedicated his life to protecting justice and dealing out punishment where he saw fit. Years of on the cold streets had made his features stern and as grey as his salt and pepper hair. Captain Cautious knew that the pair were facing some serious accusations, but Giblets was too busy eating chicken to care. Hush… he’s about to start.

‘ So let me get this clear… despite several warning you both dressed up again and went out your way to continue your vigilante activates. That you entered a hostile situation with numerous innocent bystanders at risk, shot a makeshift chainsaw crossbow into the facility and proceed to swing a brick on a chain around killing several dozen chickens in a family restaurant. Neither of you called the police or collected any of the discarded live weapons from the scene making sure anyone could walk in a pick up their own M15 whenever they wanted. So we have property damage, animal cruelty, disturbing the peace, possession of a lethal weapon and about seventeen people with post-traumatic stress disorder. But all this is fine because a ‘chicken’ leader was captured. No wait… she wasn’t because there was no chicken leader was there. Just nonsense coming out of a bunch of traumatised witnesses. Have either of you got anything to say for yourselves?’

‘That Chicken was real and so was her army,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Yeah I’m eating the evidence right now,’ said Giblet with a bucket on his lap.

‘You two are not getting out of this one… this is not the first time you’ve pulled this dumb shit,’ said PI Chumlee.

‘Name once we have ever put the lives of the very citizens we protect at risk,’ said Captain Cautious, ‘name even one.’

‘Pocket! Bring in the files!’

The door opened and a man that was two foot tall entered the room. He was dressed in a suit and had bristle moustache above his top lip. He held the files above his head as he reached to place them on the table.

No one ever knew whether Pocket was his real name for Pocket was a mute, but he was by far one of the most resourceful and effective researchers that the department had ever had. I guess the name just stuck after a while.

‘Yo Pocket!’ said Giblets, ‘you want some chicken?’

Giblets traded the file for a thigh piece and then lifted Pocket onto the table. Chumlee quickly snatched the file from Giblets and read out aloud the newspaper headlines before he threw the articles onto the table.

‘Superheroes smash Synagogue.’

‘That Briss was a cover up for drug smuggling and that Rabi had a knife!’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Pick pocket ring ends… 12 dead.’

‘Money has a lot of sentimental value to me,’ said Giblets. ‘I use it to buy the things I love like booze and hookers.’

‘Lumber mill fire.’

‘That wasn’t us,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘It burned down because that idiot was doing three point turns and parking manoeuvres in third gear and they had to cut him out when he crashed on the round about.’

‘I can only drive in third gear, give me a break. You know that’s a disability in more liberal parts of the world,’ said Giblets finishing off his latest piece of chicken.

‘You should both be sectioned or at least imprisoned if it wasn’t for our chief inspector who seems to take a shine to you both.’

PI Chumlee’s words faded away as Captain Cautious caught sight of one another news story within the cuttings. It was of the murder of another young woman.

‘Fear not my uniformed colleague I have fair solution to this problem,’ announced Captain Cautious. ‘We will track down this deadly delinquent and bring him to justice.’

‘Out of the question!’ shouted Chumlee.

‘Come along Giblets, the hour approaches. The hour of justice!’

‘Okay but I’m picking my shit up from the evidence locker, that crossbow was a bitch to make,’ said Giblets.

The pair ran out of the room, leaving Chumlee searing in rage and Pocket to consume what was left of the chicken.

At the morgue Captain Cautious and Giblets met up with a close ally, Dr Susan the Mortician. Giblets was forced to wait in the reception as he had been banned from interacting with Dr Susan after several attempts to hit on her and for generally playing around with her ‘patients’. Dr Susan presented the body of the latest victim to Captain Cautious.

‘The women are always stabbed, throat slit, but are otherwise untouched,’ she explained. ‘The cuts are incisors, like a medical tool or razor. Clean cut and precise, so we’re dealing with someone from the medical background.’

‘So some angry doctor is hunting down former patients?’

‘Not quite, nothing of these women have anything in common with the exception of receiving a message from their boyfriends an hour before they are attacked.’

‘Perhaps these men are part of some strange scorned lovers club?’

Dr Sally covered the body and walked towards a tank.

‘My thought at first, but then we found these,’ she said pointing to glass.

Inside floating were several faces that had been pierced and threaded with leather binds.

‘Riveting rascals are those masks real faces?’ asked Captain Cautious.

‘In one Captain, ‘said Dr Sally. ‘This killer wears the face of the victim’s partner.’

‘And I suspect they didn’t volunteer their faces.’

‘We find their bodies disposed of all over the place. We’ve been using dental records to identify them.’

‘So let me get all my pins in a row. The killer finds their boyfriend, kills them, cuts off their face, sends a text message…’

‘No Captain…. it’s a voice message. A voice message with clear instructions were to meet up, full of all the accents, idioms and phrases they would use.’

Captain Cautious looked closer at the faces as they floated around.

‘Do you think a man who was tortured long enough would sell out his girlfriend?’ asked Captain Cautious.

‘Men are scum in my experience, ‘said Dr Sally, ‘but out of ten men you’re saying all of them would sell their lover’s out? Even in the messages we don’t hear a signs of stress, they’re all calm and relaxed.’

‘Dear heavens above what are we facing?’

‘This isn’t random though. There is one clue, each of our victims had this one their person.’

Dr Sally revealed a loyalty card for a smoothie stand in the heart of the business centre of the city. Fruity Kiss. Captain Cautious thanked Dr Sally and headed towards the reception. Giblets was sat reading a magazine when Captain Cautious pulled it out of his hands.

‘Giblets we need to go fight evil at the Fruity Kiss smoothie stand, and not the natural sugars that led to tooth decay,’ said Captain Cautious. ‘We have a different crime to squash.’

‘Oh Squash like squashing fruit for drinking, very fucking clever, ‘said Giblets. ‘You know if you’re going to say a pun every three minutes you need to work on some new material.’

‘I’m sorry my aggravated associate, could you come up with this more poetic?’

‘Well… no.’

‘I see… perhaps when you are able to contribute you will be able to criticise. Now let’s get to the Safety speeder!’

At the business centre our heroes stake out their latest suspects, while hiding in the flora. With his safety goggles set to telescope, Captain Cautious analysis the culprits.

‘ It would seem our suspects are limited to a 50 year old Greek man, his fourteen year old daughter who is a bit on the chunky side or his wife/older daughter/ girlfriend with a taste for short pants and bare cleavage,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Yeah I like her melons,’ said Giblets.

‘Be that as it may, though fresh the fruit, none of these workers are wearing hairnets or gloves making this a health code violation.’

‘Okay so what the hell does that gotta do with Hannibal leather face copycat?’

‘Well that man does have a lot of practice cutting flesh.’

‘You see that’s not as bad a pun, it’s relevant to what we’re talking about, yet campy enough for the kids to enjoy.’

‘I would hardly call my utterances campy.’

‘Jesus Christ whatever… what’s the plan?’

Before anything could uttered, Captain Cautious’ safety sense tingled. A man stood by the stand was choking on his smoothie. Captain Cautious leapt into action.

‘Fear not spluttering civilian, a helping hand in on the way,’ shouted Captain Cautious.

Captain Cautious placed the choking victim into the Heimlich manoeuvre and he coughed up a cherry stone. Giblets examined the cup and took a sip.

‘Cherry and vanilla,’ he said.

‘And a dash of danger!’ said Captain Cautious pointing to the vendor.

The Greek man apologised and offered a refund, but Captain Cautious would not have it.

‘I’m afraid justice doesn’t take bribes or ‘refunds’,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Kick his head in Captain,’ said Giblets, ‘I’ll interrogate this saucy wench and get the chubby one to make us a banana shakes.’

The Greek man ran through the business centre centre towards the edge of the high street stores. Captain Cautious took chase, his cape flying in the air. After a short race through various stalls, stores and side streets, Captain Cautious was close enough to active his safety powers. As the past the teddy bear building shop, Captain Cautious used his powers to send all the stuffing out of the machine and wrap around the Greek man. Eventually the man was weighed down by too much fluff and landed softly to the ground. Captain Cautious pulled the Greek man up by the collar.

‘You’ve been stuffed, now tell us about the girls!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘What?!’ he replied.

‘The faces, tell me about the faces it!’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about?!’

‘LIES!!!’

‘Captain Cautious!’ shouted Giblets.

‘Yes my crime fighting cooperative?’

‘Yeah I talked to the beauty, turns out she’s got a boyfriend and the whole cherry stone thing probably was just an accident.’

‘Then maybe she should have been more… cautious.’

‘Well after been shot down I figured that given all these women are connected by this stand maybe she could be vulnerable as another victim.’

‘Indeed, we need a way of keeping surveillance on those most in need.’

‘Well that guy you saved, turns out he’s a bit of an IT specialist. Says for enough money he’ll hook us up some phone hacking shit like the newspapers use.’

‘Invasion of people’s privacy… that’s wrong.’

‘So is mutilating people. Look we have CCTV everywhere and that’s actually looking into people’s lives. We just want to hear what people say, not judge them for their actions. I promise anything not related to the crime and we turn it off.’

‘I don’t know about this Giblets.’

‘Look I shoot a chainsaw and have brick on a chain as weapons. There was a point in this team up you have to accept I use certain questionable methods to get the job done. Really if the chainsaw is cool, this really is not that terrible.’

‘I frequently request you not bring the chainsaw crossbow.’

‘And yet here were are.’

‘Okay, but only for the safety of the innocent.’

Our heroes step towards the grey area of morality that is personal invasion in hopes to stop a greater terrible murder. Will this compromise of basic civil liberties pay off? Find out in next time boys and girls. And remember… SAFETY FIRST!