Captain Cautious- Face-off part 1

It’s was a quiet morning at the Treehouse of Safety where our heroes were at rest. That was until… the alarm goes off! Captain Cautious sprung into action.

‘Giblets, its 6AM, there’s crime to fight and a murderer to be found!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘Fuck off,’ mumbled Giblets into his pillow.

Before there could be a response, Captain Cautious Safety sense tingled.

‘Giblets we need to leave now!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘Yeah five more minutes,’ said Giblets.

Suddenly the echoing crack of wood and bark crawled into the air. The entire tree house started the lean to the side. All the research, the contents of the fridge and various trinkets spilled out towards the side. Captain Cautious looked outside to see several dozen police officers with guns aimed at the pair, while a lumberjack swung his axe at the tree. In the middle of the police was PI Chumlee.

‘Come out Captain, you’re under arrest!’ he shouted through a megaphone.

‘What are you talking about, we haven’t done anything in months!’ shouted Captain Cautious. ‘We’ve been mostly researching the serial killer and playing electronic games.’

‘Yeah well you have illegal hacking devices and you seem to know a bit too much about the murder case, so we charging you and chicken dick for it.’

‘Why is everyone shouting,’ grumped Giblets. ‘My hangover is not going to sleep itself off.’

‘Giblets, the police are here to arrest us and they’re cutting down the tree,’ explained Captain Cautious. ‘We have to find a way of escaping capture until we can prove who the real killer is.’

Giblets looked outside to see the army of armed officers with guns. He then leaned out the window.

‘Oy! Wankers, as soon as you shoot those things, the safety’s gonna get locked on or your bullets are going to turn into bubbles or paper airplanes so you might as well piss off back to the donut shop and leave us the hell alone!’

PI Chumlee gave a smile and he raised his pistol up and pulled the trigger. Giblets then felt a solid force slam into his shoulder and knock him into the ground.

‘Fuck!’ screamed Giblets, ‘what was that?!’

‘Air compression,’ said PI Chumlee. ‘Our guns have no safety and our ammunition is the air itself. So unless your Captain has a new magic power, then you can’t stop the nature of gravity and Newtonian physics combine.’

PI Chumlee started laughing as Captain Cautious pulled Giblet’s back to his feet.

‘Any ideas my morning glory gadabout?’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Right, three things: One, never call me a morning glory gadabout again. Two, we did actually use hacking equipment so we are probably going to prison for that when we get caught, that goes without saying. Three, we have no leads whatsoever, so unless we’re going on the run for the rest of our lives… who am I kidding I always wanted to be in car chase.’

Giblets made his way to the garage.

‘Right Giblets, we’ll use the Safety mobile and take a carefully planned route to avoid all unnecessary civilians and dangerous jumps,’ said Captain Cautious. ‘Fortunately I always have a guide book for every location on the planet. Plus if there’s time we can stop off at the city plaza to see an empty space that had something interesting several hundred years ago, but is now in fact an empty space.’

‘Yeah about that,’ said Giblets from the garage. ‘In case something like this was going to happen, I did some modifications to the Safety mobile while you were busy with the case.’

Captain Cautious’s face pulled down.

‘What kind of modifications?’ he said in a grim tone.

Surrounding the tree, the police had created a ring of police cars and had fully armed units ready to fire upon the duo once they appeared out of the tree. From the Treehouse of Safety came not the sound of an engine, but a roar of metal and fumes. Even as the lumber jack continued to chop, he could smell the burning coming from above. From beneath the tree house, he would only see a black shadow, but for everyone else, a silver chrome bullet burst through the Treehouse of Safety in a hail of drift wood and black smoke.

‘Fire!’ shouted PI Chumlee.

The police let loose round after round of compressed air that dented and knocked into the machine as it flew overhead and crash landed into the ring of police cars, crushing the one it landed upon. With the ring broken, the flames from the exhaust burned green and the mean machine sped off. The police force charged back inside the remaining vehicles and took after the shadow of the chrome bullet.

At the wheel of this monster of steel was Giblets, his mouth foaming and the tattoos on his hands burning in an inky flame. Captain Cautious had wrapped himself in seat belts and wore a crash helmet. His eyes looked at the gearbox and he saw it was wielded into third gear.

‘Giblets this is not safe!’ he shouted as the Silver Bullet went off road and down through the alley ways.

‘Just relax and listen to some music,’ said Giblets as he clicked the CD player on.

As heavy metal blurted out the window, the sound of sirens drew closer.

‘Time to take it up a notch!’ shouted Giblets.

He pressed a button on his dashboard and from the sun roof a Gatling gun rose.

‘Excuse me,’ he said as he abandoned the driver’s seat to take position on the turret.

‘Giblets! Both hands on the wheel!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

The area was now a horrible mixture of bullets, engines, rock music, sirens, scream and ground up road; followed by shattered glass as police cars spun off the roads.

‘None of this is safe, none of it!’ protested Captain Cautious. ‘If it wasn’t for my seat belt I would be stopping this you manic of motoring!’

‘I like that one, use that one more often!’ laughed Giblets and he fired his chainsaw crossbow into the windshield of the trailing police cruiser.

The police car spun out of control and the number of cars that chased them shrunk into the distance.

‘I think they’re getting the idea,’ said Giblets.

The phone of the dashboard blinked and Giblets placed it next to Captain Caution before taking the wheel.

‘Better answer that, it not safe to use a phone while driving,’ he said.

Captain Cautious answers the phone with his nose.

‘Hello!?’ he said.

‘Captain it’s me,’ said a woman’s voice.

‘Dr Susan, how did you get this number?’

‘There’s no time and by the look of the News you’re not in position to make any. I’ve found a clue to our killer, but if the police get hold of it I fear they’ll use it to pin it on you two.’

‘The police force, corrupt? I sincerely doubt that.’

‘I’m call bullshit on that thought Captain!’ said Giblets as he loaded his chainsaw crossbow.

‘Just focus on driving!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘Look one of you needs to keep the police busy, while the other meets up with me in the Quarry. Can you do that?’ said Dr Susan.

‘For you and the name of Justice, we’ll do our best, Captain out.’

As he placed the phone down, a large barricade was built across and a small tank was in the centre, barrel aimed down. The Silver Bullet stopped and Giblets tattoos fizzled into tear drops.

‘Captain you go see Dr Susan, I’ll deal with this,’ said Giblets.

‘No my hasty hombre, you cannot risk your life so needlessly,’ said Captain Cautious, ‘it not… safe.’

‘Look I’ll be fine this thing pretty much a tank and someone’s got to tie this lot up, plus I got my regenerative blood powers. You need to do this for the people and for those women that keep getting murdered.’

‘And their faceless boyfriends…’

‘Yeah whatever…point is you need be the hero everyone wants you to be, Captain. The one I know you were meant to be.’

Captain Cautious felt a twinge in his heart.

‘You’re the best side kick I could ever ask for Giblets,’ said Captain Cautious.

Giblets pressed another button on the dashboard making the half of the Silver Bullet that Captain Cautious was sat in pull away and lean back from the rest of the car. A set of handlebars appeared from the passenger dash board.

‘No… we agreed not to do this… Giblets… Giblets!’

The side of the car shot into the air and pieces of metal peeled away to reveal a light motorcycle that flew over the blockade. Captain Cautious took hold of the handlebars and landed at the other side. With only a moment’s hesitation, Captain Cautious sped off.

‘Sidekick my arse,’ said Giblets leaving the remains of the car.

With crossbow chainsaw buzzing and his brick on a chain swing, Giblets stared at the blockade and smiled. He loved impossible odds.

Captain Cautious found his way quickly to the Quarry after checking the guide book. A secret tunnel, known only to tourists and the hospitality industry, lead to the Quarry without using the main roads, thus allowing him to get their undetected. He parked up his bike and headed for the main pit.

‘Going alone into a dangerous worksite is never a smart thing, but it might just be the ticket to getting me and Giblets out of this mess,’ he muttered to himself.

From a distance, Captain Cautious could make out the shape of a person. It could only have been Dr Susan, but why was his Safety Sense going wild.

‘Dr Susan,’ he called out.

‘Oh Captain you came,’ she said.

‘We don’t have much time Doctor, tell me what you’ve discovered,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Only that there’s a new victim right out here.’

Dr Susan pointed over to the side where a blank was covering a lump. Captain Cautious pulled back the blanket to reveal a naked body with its face removed. Something was amiss. All the other victims were men, but this was a faceless woman. Even more the blood on her skull was fresh, maybe only an hour or so old.

‘Dear God, it’s…’ he said turning to a gleaming Dr Susan, the sides of her face dripping with blood.

‘You monster! You killed Dr Susan, show me your real face.’

‘Oh Captain, why would I do that?’ said the imposter mimicking her voice,’ after all I’m so close to performing the final step of my plan.’

The imposter took out a remote control and pressed down on the button. A large explosion occurred and the Quarry began to rumble.

‘What is heavens name was that?’ asked Captain Cautious.

‘Natural gas explosion, encouraged by one of my landmines,’ explained the imposter. ‘The whole place is going to come down on top of your head if you’re not careful where you step. How were you to know though, they were all on safe mode until now.’

‘I’ll be able to find them and deactivate them,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘True, but then again the police hearing that bang will be on their way, not to mention I have a little surprise for you.’

The imposter pulled out a syringe and walked over to the body.

‘I think a little kick should make you come around,’ she said pressed the drug into Dr Susan’s body.

Dr Susan then returned to consciousness.

‘Dr Susan!’ shouted Captain Cautious. ‘Stay still, help is on the way.’

‘Oh you thought she was dead… well on the way out really,’ explained the imposter. ‘ So what will you do, wait here and hope the police believe your story, leave her to die to save your own skin or be a hero and save the girl while getting out of the police’s gaze. Then again I bet your safety sense is not going be able to quite tell the difference between a landmine and woman struggling for her life. So many choices and so little time Captain Cautious.’

With that the imposter turned around, pulled off the face and dropped it on the floor before making their getaway.

Captain Cautious knew there was only one safe option to getting Dr Susan to safety. Using his powers of safety Captain Cautious summon a large orange revolver and aimed it at the sky.

‘They’re coming Doctor, they’re coming for us,’ he said as he shot the flare into the sky. An orange signal that pointed out their position. Within minutes a helicopter was overhead.

‘This is the police, put your hands in the air… repeat, put your hands in the air’ said an officer through a microphone.

The sound of sirens approached and Captain Cautious knew he had been fooled. Then a voice screamed in his head. The landmines. If any of the men went towards them, they would set of the mines and kill everyone. There was only one way to escape. He took hold of Dr Susan, placed her over his shoulder and using his powers of safety summoned a gas propelled grappling hook. He aimed it at the feet of the helicopter and the hook latched on.

‘Hold tight,’ he said and the grappling hook pulled them both out of the Quarry.

The helicopter pilot would not risk shaking him off and knock the doctor out of his grip. Half way up, the Captain then gained momentum and swung away from the helicopter towards the edge of the Quarry. With all his focus, Captain Cautious summoned a pile of pillows in which the pair landed on. Placing her comfortably on her side, Captain Cautious made his way to the motorcycle and sped off from the scene. He was angry and he was ashamed. He almost had the killer and he let himself fall for a trap. He couldn’t do that again, he would have to get smarter.

The streets were cracked, burnt rubber fumed the air and the sound of faint groans from beneath bodies and scrap metal. Sat on top of a cracked tank that was missing its barrel was Giblets, his tattoos in the shape of noses, sniffing out trouble in the carnage. He had his chainsaw dug into one of the tracks of the tank and his brick on a chain was wrapped tightly around the neck of a police officer. The noses then turned into teeth and growled at something hidden from sight. From the smoke came a mature woman wearing a white coat, her face gentle even after the harsh years. She looked around for a moment and then caught Giblets’ eye.

‘What a mess,’ she said with strong Welsh accent, ‘you’ll be cleaning up your toys after your done you know.’

Giblets spat out a clot of blood, ‘you missed it.’

‘Not really, we have the whole thing recorded you know.’

Giblets brushed off his hands, pulled the chainsaw loose from the tank and walked towards the Welsh woman.

‘So what is it gonna cost to make all this disappear then?’ asked Giblets.

‘Same as always, keep him safe and all this blows away,’ she smiled.

‘He keeps himself safe… if anything I get him into trouble.’

‘Well you are a bit rough and tumble, but he needs someone like you to keep him on his toes. Remind him when to fight, went to run and when to bend the rules a little.’

As she finished her sentence, the remains of the tank exploded.

‘So about that warrant for our arrest?’ asked Giblets.

‘You know I can’t interfere like that, sort of small potatoes for what I do,’ said the woman. ‘I make this shit disappear. Whatever you’ve done to piss off the locals is your business, not mine.’

‘Well do you have any idea at least who this guy is we’re hunting for?’

The Woman in White took out a cigarette and lit it from the burning tank.

‘I don’t know, maybe you could start from the beginning and work your way forward. You might pick up on something.’

‘Well all our stuff just got wrecked so we are back at square one,’ said Giblets. ‘I’ll have to go see Alfred and get some new equipment at the…’

Giblets froze on the spot as the sound of grinding screeched in his mind.

‘I need to find the Captain,’ he muttered.

As if possessed, Giblets then ran away from the scene.

‘You better find him Giblets,’ said the Woman in White, her voice fading to a whisper to herself, ‘he’s all I got left.’

She pulled out a communication device and called in a clean-up crew.

Who is the faceless killer? Will Dr Susan survive? Who is the mature woman in white? What has Giblet’s concluded if you haven’t figured it out by now? Tune in for the final conclusion of this exciting yet drawn out adventure. And remember boys and girls… SAFETY FIRST!

Captain Cautious: Who’s pulling the strings?

Midday in the city and our heroes drive at the speed limit towards the latest crime scene. Captain Cautious wore his driving gloves, while Giblets played with the window.
‘So this immortal guy Boomer,’ said Giblets. ‘Any ideas how we can finish him off? I figured freeze ray or body armour made out of children.’
‘I am afraid my ridiculous ride-along that such tactics are outside the scope of our powers,’ said Captain Cautious indicating early enough to warn drivers of his next turn. ‘It may have to be placed on the back burner until we solve our primary case.’
‘Right so just to be clear how many cases are on the back burner… we got Chicken Hitler, Boomer and of course the master evil.’
‘Yes… the master evil. A person of such terror we dare not say its name.’
‘Though we don’t actually know the master evil’s identity so that does help.’
The safety mobile pulled up to the city bank and the pair raced out the vehicle.

As they reached the steps of the bank, PI Chumlee blocked their path.
‘Not today guys!’ he shouted whipping out a pair of cuffs.
‘But we must investigate the murder scene if we are find the culprit,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘Yeah piss off Chumbucket,’ said Giblets.
‘This isn’t a murder scene you idiots, this is bank robbery,’ said PI Chumlee.
‘Well… we didn’t know that, we just knew the victim was a banker and thought this was the best place to start looking,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘This thing’s pretty much wrapped up thanks to real detective work.’
On que Pocket arrived with a folder filled with photographs and witness statements.
‘Pocket my man,’ said Giblets and they fist pumped each other.
Giblets then passed the file away from Pocket and gave it to Captain Cautious.
‘Those are confidential,’ barked Chumlee as Captain cautious scanned the paperwork.
‘ According the reliable research and investigation of Pocket, at 3AM the night guard opened the safe and started to pass out money to the front of the bank before knocking himself out with his own torch once he locked himself in the safe,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘Yeah he’s claiming alien hand syndrome or some non-sense like an invisible force made him,’ said PI Chumlee. ‘But I’m calling bullshit on the insanity plea. He’s going to prison for a long time.’
As he finished his sentence a distraught guard was dragged out the building by two police officers and thrown into a police car.
‘He just left the money out in the street to be collected, but didn’t follow in the getaway vehicle?’ said Giblets. ‘Then locked himself in the safe. None of this sounds weird to you at all?’
‘That’s what he wants you to think,’ said PI Chumlee. ‘That he must be innocent or else why would he let himself get caught. I can see through his rouse.’
As the pair debated with glares, Captain Cautious examined a blown up photograph that Pocket pointed to within the file. In background a faint figure with four finger tips could be seen poking out the darkness.
‘Looks like he wasn’t alone that evening,’ said Captain Cautious.
Pocket then folded over another witness statement to reveal a blown up fingers print that was crossed reference with the guards.
‘They look a hell of a lot different,’ said Giblets. ‘You know whose it is?’
Pocket shook his head.
‘Pocket stop giving out evidence!’ shouted PI Chumlee.
Giblets then cracked out his brick on a chain, ‘don’t shout at Pocket you fat bitch or I will fuck up your legs!’
‘I haven’t got time for this!’ shouted PI Chumlee, ‘this case is closed. Pocket give me the file, we’re leaving.’
‘And so shall we… come Giblet’s we have an innocent man to save!’ shouted Captain Cautious.
‘What about the murder scene?’ asked Giblets.
‘No time for that, I’ve got a hot lead on this caper.’
Captain Cautious dashed off back to the safety mobile and Giblets followed, his brick clicking the pavement as it dragged behind him.

After several hours investigating and following Captain Cautious ‘hot leads’, a single leaflet that was stuck to Captain Cautious’s shoe back at the crime scene, led them to the City Theatre House.
‘Well this was a quick win for us, especially going below the speed limit,’ said Giblets getting out the car.
The pair entered the theatre and made their way towards the main stage. On stage, several ballet students were practicing their movements. At the side giving instructions was a gentle woman leaning on a crutch.
‘This is my kind of show,’ said Giblets.
‘Giblets you uncultured underworldling, this is art and body mixed into a tapestry of beauty. A canvas of the stage and each step a stroke of paint.’
‘ Say whatever you will man, I like the female from low and high levels, then low… then high… then low and so on…’
The pair’s whispering caught the attention of the gentle woman.
‘Excuse me, would you two keep your voices down!’ she shouted. ‘You’re distracting our performers.’
‘Sorry love wouldn’t want that to happen,’ said Giblets.
Her eyes squinted and a smile blossomed on her face.
‘Giblets is that you?’ she asked.
‘Yeah who wants to… oh my God… Monica,’ he shouted.
The grubby brute walked towards the frail flower and placed his hands on hers.
‘It’s been ten years, how are you?’ he said.
‘It’s been tough… the years have not been kind and my condition is getting worse,‘ she said looking at her cane. ‘The treatments are not working so well. I barely perform myself anymore’
‘I wish I could do something to help love, I really do.’
‘We tired your bath so many wild nights ago, but it doesn’t work on me. I just need to keep going and smile through the pain. All artist must suffer.’
Captain Cautious then approached the pair on stage.
‘ Excuse me, I do not mean to interject on this merry meet up,’ he said ‘ but how do you know of each other?’
‘I did security work back when Monica was first starting out,’ said Giblets. ‘I remember this ventriloquist was knocking on your door and just won’t take no for an answer.’
‘He was a love struck admirer, that you seem to enjoy striking down,’ said Monica.
‘I think he needed plastic surgery after that punch,’ smiled Giblets.

Monica’s hand stroked her hand down Giblet’s face.
‘In the old days it took a very special kind of man to touch me and make me feel loved… now a days no one wishes to hold me.’
Captain Cautious saw the tattoos on Giblet’s hands change to that of caged bird.
‘You touch the world with your performance and craft young women who touch their hearts too. I think the world still cares for you deeply.’
Monica’s face beamed a pink glow.
‘My girls and I are performing preview shows this evening. I could get you both seats if you liked?’
‘We do have a case to solve,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘And where’s best to investigate when everyone out on stage,’ whispered Giblets.
As the pair headed towards the exit, they were blocked by a man with a slender long nose.
‘This is a closed rehearsal,’ shouted the man. ‘What are you both doing sniffing around here?’
‘Mercy, its okay,’ said Moncia. ‘They are my friends.’
‘We do not have time for friends, we perform in a few hours!’
‘Hey buddy, you might want to not talk to the lady like that?’ said Giblet with gritted teeth.
‘Mercy is my manager, our stage hand and… my lover. He’s just a bit under pressure right now with the preview,’ said Monica.’
The two men shared spiked glances at one another.
‘Come along my culturally enlighten comrade, we will be able to scout out our suspect tonight,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘That’s right run along and play make believe,’ said Mercy, ‘make sure the door doesn’t hit you on the way out.’
By the third step, Giblets lost him footing and slammed face first into the ground.
‘Silly Giblets you should have been more… cautious,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘I tripped over something you bastard,’ said Giblets. ‘What didn’t you warn me with your ‘safety sense’ or whatever the hell you all it?’
Captain Cautious examined the floor and saw no trip hazards whatsoever. A chill went through him, ‘why did he indeed?’

That evening, the audience was seated and the music began as the lights went down. Captain Cautious scouted the fire exists, while Giblets turned his IPod onto the best of Iron Maiden. Granted Giblets may have been a security guard, but that had not changed his music taste. Nothing was quite as interesting as ballet mashed up with metal. As the story unfolded on stage, Captain Cautious’s safety sense tingled. Something was amiss. Focusing in on the feeling, one of the counter weights above the stage was not tied correctly and he needed to act fast. He took flight over the audience, climbing over seats and audience members to get to the front of the stage, before slipping to the back. He managed to get through the locked door using his ‘Safety pin’ as a skeleton key. His senses drew him closer to the knot and then a quick climb from handing rope got him to the loosened knot. With his Safety powers, Captain Cautious managed to tie the knot again and secured the position. Before he let himself slide down, he saw Monica is full costume enter the stage. He could not disturb her performance and he was forced to hang in the air.

From his height, Captain Cautious was able to see the audience and the full stage, including Mercy. In the corner out of the audience’s sight, Mercy had his hands in the air. Fingers spread he pulled his arms and fingertips as if pulling on something. Captain Cautious could not sense anything that would be trip hazard like strings or fishing lines. There were no puppets or interactive scenery on the stage. Then it click as he waved his arm in a circle. He was controlling Monica’s movements. He was making sure that she was able to keep up with the girls and performing feats well beyond a woman of her years. At the climax of the performance, Monica almost levitated in the air and spun gently to the amazement of the audience. As she landed and gave a final bow, the theatre broke into cheers. Monica’s face swelled with pride and the energy came to here from every seat. Even Giblets was upon his feet and giving her the roars reserved for a boxing fight. As the curtain fell, so did Monica. Her body had slumped to her side and she gave wheezing breaths. Mercy ran forward and lifted up her head.
‘These silly shows,’ she whispered, ‘I do love them so.’
‘Hush,’ said Mercy, ‘you did beautifully. Let’s go hide for the evening.’
One of the young ballerina’s rolled out a wheelchair and Mercy placed his lover within it. The pair then made their way to the back of the theatre. Captain Cautious slid down the rope.
‘I need to tell Giblet’s,’ he said.

Captain Cautious managed to meet up with Giblet’s at the stage entrance of the theatre. A crowd of fans awaited the departing of the performers, hoping to get an autograph or picture.
‘Giblets,’ said Captain Cautious, ‘it’s my misfortune to tell you that your friend’s partner is in fact a dastardly deviant.’
‘No shit he’s a douchebag,’ said Giblets.
‘No Giblets, he is our robber,’ explained Captain Cautious.
‘Sweet let’s beat him up,’ said Giblets.
‘Do you not want to know about how I came across this conclusion?’ asked Captain cautious.
‘You’re giving me a free pass to beat down someone I don’t like. I’m not gonna question that.’
Giblets made his way to the door, pulled back his neck and slammed his forehead into it, knocking it off its hinges.
‘After you Captain,’ said Giblets, a drip of blood running down his forehead.
The pair ran through the back stage to the cry of ballerinas, whom were partly changed. They fled like butterflies in a forest fire, as our heroes reached Monica’s changing room. With a single kick, the door broke from its frame and on the floor was Monica. Her dressing room was not filled with flowers and perfume, rather bottles of pills and oxygen tanks. Giblets knelt beside her and placed her head on his lap.
‘Monica… I didn’t know,’ said Giblets.
‘I doubt either of you would,’ said a voice in the background.
Mercy was stood with a needle and a bottle.
‘This serum is not available on the open market yet, still in testing laboratories,’ said Mercy.
He injected the needle into Monica’s spine and pressed on the plunger.
‘Every moment she moves and is pain free is worth the risks. Of course, nothing like this comes cheap or easy.’
‘How much?’ asked Captain Cautious.
‘An effective treatment for MS? Priceless to us… and very high to others.’
‘You robbed the bank. You used your powers to make the guard take the money out of the vault. He was literally your puppet.’
‘You speak like it was wrong. If a man is hungry is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread? What I hunger for is love and you two fuckwits are not going to get in my way.’
‘We understand why you’d do it Mercy, but that’s not your money to take. Think of all those people who saved and worked. What about their needs?’
‘We need it more! More than investors, more than bankers or rich kids trust funds.’
‘And what about the innocent guard who was just making a living for his family, what about him?’
‘My love’s death would be an unjust punishment for a crime no one committed. What about you Chicken genitals, are you going to condemn me or do you see my plight?’
Giblets remained still, just watching his friend struggling to manage through the medication.
‘If this treatment works, she’ll dance again for herself. Without pain or puppet strings. She could live a good life without suffering or distress. Without the fear of falling into a ragdoll. Can you say what I am doing is evil?’
‘No.’ said Giblets. ‘It’s not evil… but you’re still a criminal. I’d do the same if I was you. I’d lie, cheat, steal, kill and die for her if I had to. The point though is I would also accept responsibility for it. I would know when my time was up and that innocent people I hurt needed their vengeance. I guess you would say your mistake was getting caught. Now face it like a man or I’ll whip you down like a boy.’
Mercy gave a smile.
‘You think I would be going down without a fight, then you must be mistaken.’
‘No, I doubt you would,’ said Giblets. ‘Let’s do this on stage, away from here though.’
‘Agreed.’
Mercy gave Monica a kiss on the lips and the men left her room to take their quarrels to the stage.

On opposite sides of the stage, Mercy the puppet master stood against our heroes.
‘Are you ready gentleman,’ said Mercy.’ I have all the tricks of the stage at my fingertips.’
‘Go fuck yourself you creepy nosed wanker,’ said Giblets.
With chain and brick already building momentum it was Captain cautious who made the first strike. His punch was frozen in place as his body became wrapped in invisible tying. His body was then thrown to the side against the wall.
‘A bit blunt aren’t we?’ smirked Mercy. ‘You should be more subtle.’
‘Actually I’m someone to be more… cautious,’ said Captain Cautious.
With a wave of his hand, Mercy let loose several sand bags. Captain Cautious’s safety sense went wild as he ducked the falling counter weights. With his spare hand, Mercy opened a trap door and Captain Cautious caught the edge.
‘Exit, stage down,’ said Mercy.
Below him, dozens of prop weapons were stood up like a pit trap.
‘Any time my tardy teammate,’ said Captain Cautious.
Giblets was stood in place, his brick still spinning faster and faster.
‘Oh so sorry Captain, but he’s very much under my control, ‘said Mercy. ‘Though if you need a demonstration.’
Mercy clicked his fingers and the brick on the chain flew at Captain Cautious. Captain Cautious had no choice, but to release his grip and fall into the stage.
‘And that’s the end of Act one,’ said Mercy, ‘now for Act 2: death of a leather cumbucket!’
From out the trap door, Captain Cautious sprung out and dive kicked into Mercy. When he landed he revealed a pair of spring boots.
‘Who the hell brings spring boot to a fight?’ asked Mercy.
‘I do when there’s justice to be fought!’ said Captain Cautious.
‘Well let’s see how many tricks you’ll play when it’s your friend you gotta fool.’
Giblets charged forwards at Captain Cautious. As his fist fell from the heavens, Captain Cautious summon a riot shield to protect himself. Thud after thud, sent Captain Cautious backwards.
‘Snap out of it,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘I’m trying, but he’s got me tapped into my brain,’ said Giblets.
‘After you’ve researched MS long enough, you learn about motor neurones and spinal connections,’ said Mercy. ‘Enough to let me take any host I want. So he’s completely helpless, active on minute and motionless the next. In complete comfort or utter agony. He is a puppet that needs something else to pull the strings.’
‘So this is just a huge metaphor for someone with MS,’ said Captain Cautious.
‘Oh shit… I guess it is. Never really thought about it until now.’
‘It must be weird to inflict the same circumstance you are trying to remove from the woman you love.’
‘I must confess there are some very interesting ramifications to my actions,’ said Mercy.
‘Will you sons of bitches just fight, I’m in a lot of Goddamn pain right now!’ shouted Giblets.
‘No need Giblets because I have my own powers of control,’ said Captain Cautious. ‘You see being safe is also about having fun without regrets and I know one dance that works every time.’
Captain Cautious placed his hands on his trousers and pulled them off to reveal a pair of disco shorts.
‘SAFETY DANCE!’
The music started to blare out of the speakers and echoed around the theatre as Captain Cautious began to dance.
‘What the hell is this?’ shouted Mercy.
‘The only useful power he has within an enclosed environment,’ said Giblets.
The music picked up and Mercy found his body moving to the rhythm. Mercy quickly lost control of his puppet as his hands and arms were enslaved to the beats. Giblets took this opportunity to fish for his brick on a chain and pull it back.
‘No please… I’m sorry,’ said Mercy still dancing in place. ‘Just not the face… not the…’
Giblets began beating and whipping Mercy with the brick. After several blows, Mercy folded to the ground and was defeated.
‘Hey why weren’t you affected by my Safety dance?’ asked Captain Cautious.
‘I don’t dance,’ said Giblets.

When the police arrived, they took their statements and found all the missing cash under the stage. Monica was quickly placed in an ambulance and taken to a hospital, while Mercy was carted off into another ambulance.
‘You’ve… killed her… both of you… killed her…’ said Mercy.
Giblets was silent as Captain Cautious stood triumphant in front of PI Chumlee.
‘Well Giblets we saw justice done and managed to free an innocent man from prison.’
‘Actually he got shived while in holding,’ said PI Chumlee. ‘It was a bloody mess. Maybe if you two had informed us before the show he might still be alive, but hey you got to be heroes right. Now go smile in front of the cameras and get the hell out of my sight.’
Our heroes departed from the theatre and returned to base to work on their primary case. But who is the murder, why did our heroes take this needless tangent? What does MS stand for? Find out next time (except for MS which is Multiple Sclerosis, a very real and terrible illness. Please donate if you enjoyed this story and want to be a real superhero in the fight against this life threatening condition) and remember… SAFETY FIRST.

Captain Cautious: What the Cluck?

The local Southern Fried Chicken shop was in the middle of the lunch hour rush, when disaster struck.

‘We’re out of popcorn chicken!’ shouted the greasy faced teen to the cook at the back of the kitchen.

Not that… but seriously who the fuck runs out of popcorn chicken at a chicken shop? I guess I was getting ahead of myself. What I was referring to was about to in 3…2… The glass doors shattered open and a dozen armed men in full black combat gear stormed inside. They pinned customers to the ground and pressed their guns to the heads of their hostages. The last to enter was a veiled woman holding chicken in her arms.

‘Everyone on their knees,’ she said.

A large man with arms painted with ink scowled and reused to kneel.

‘I’ve been waiting to eat my Mega Mothercluker bucket for fifteen minutes and I’m not letting some granny cut the line.’

A screech of a bullet that pierced through his eye socket ended his protest. The manager of the shop came forward, his golden name badge glittering in the flickering lights.

‘Look take the money from the tills, you can have it all.’

The veiled woman stared blankly at the Manager.

‘This isn’t about your blood money,’ she spat. ‘This is about chicken… about revenge.’

The armed men looked their arms into place and aimed their weapons ready to spread their hot lead all over the crowd. Their fingers rested on the triggers and without hesitation they pulled it back. No shots were fired. The men clicked their triggers and shook their guns. Was it a jam? Surely it wasn’t all of them. They quickly examined their weapons trying to find the cause. They then heard footsteps from behind them and saw a man in a red costume, yellow work boots and cape. On his head was a safety helmet and his eyes were protected by rubble goggles.

‘Oh shit its Captain Cautious!’ said one of the henchmen.

‘Yes gentleman,’ said Captain Cautious, ‘and you’ll find that playing with those firearms is rather dangerous. That’s why I put the… safety on!’

The combat goons did everything they could to flick the switch, but the safety would not budge.

‘What are you waiting for?’ said the veiled woman. ‘Just kill him!’

The men charged at Captain Cautious, but by their third step they each made slipped on the floor. Captain Cautious then pointed to the spillage from the self-serve drinks machine.

‘There should have been a ‘wet floor’ sign here,’ he announced.

With a wink of his eye, a yellow sign appeared in his hands. As each of the gun men tried to raise, Captain Cautious smacked them around the face with the sign, keeping them down.

‘Screw this,’ said one of the henchmen as his crawled away towards the door.

His body was pierced with broken glass as he pressed over it on his elbows and knees. He left a trail of blood that his fellow gunmen followed as they were beaten by the heroic caped crusader.

The veiled woman clapped her hands.

‘Well done Captain Cautious, ‘she said. ‘Strange how a wet floor took priority over broken glass.’

‘It was… safety glass,’ said Captain Cautious as he gave another wink.

A broom and a dustpan appeared and started to sweep up the glass away.

‘Well aren’t we clever… but not smart enough,’ said the veiled woman. ‘I know your weakness.’

The veil woman gave a high pitch whistle and the sound of clucking starting to echo around the store. There was panic and screams of horror when they arrived. They pushed themselves through the window, the doors, the drains, vents and pipes. Feathers fluttering in air and that terrible clucking noise. Captain Cautious was surrounded by an army of chickens. No regular chickens mind you. Blood thirsty hung over at 5:24 pissed off chickens. Captain cautious fell to the floor.

‘That’s right, you can’t consciously hurt an animal,’ laughed the veiled woman. ‘My chicken army will take over the world. Now attack my ladies… attack those who feed on the genocide of your kind.’

One of the chicken led the charge with wings flapping. Faster her little legs ran until she could build the momentum to hover in the air; beak forward towards Captain Cautious. As the chicken reached face to face with the safety hero, the roaring sound of metal pierced through the poultry and pinned it to the wall. The bird was nailed by the spinning teeth of chainsaw that spat blood and feathers over the occupants of the restaurant. From the entrance stood a man holding a large crossbow. He wore black leather jacket, sunglasses and Doc martin boots. His hands were covered in tattoos that changed shape and style with every movement.

‘Chattering chainsaws Giblets you could have caught me!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘Oh my God it’s always bitching and moaning with you,’ said Giblets throwing down his crossbow. ‘This thing takes like five minutes to reload so I’m gonna have to do this Manchester street style.’

Giblets took out his iconic weapon of choice: brick on a chain and swung it in the air.

‘Eat brick you chicken shits!’ he shouted.

Birds were smacked, knocked and crushed out of the air. Not a single peak or toe would reach Giblets as his weapon either cracked skulls or the chain cut his enemies to pieces. He even managed to wrap two chicken necks in the chain and pull their heads off; their bodies still running around. Finally there was only one of the warrior chickens left. Giblet’s threw down his weapon and grappled the bird to the floor. With unbridled rage he began beating the chicken before taking a bite out of it.

‘Tastes like… Victory!’ he said as the pink flesh drooled from his teeth.

Captain Cautious then summoned several additional wet floor signs dotted around the pools of blood.

‘It’s over lady,’ said Captain Caution. ‘Give us the chicken and come with us!’

‘Never,’ said the veiled woman.

‘Then you leave me no option.’

Captain Cautious threw out from his wrists a web of bubble wrap that wrapped around the veiled woman. It gripped her legs tightly and she fell softly to her side, the sound of popping following. The chicken in her grasp managed to scoot free and stood away from her.

‘Secure and safe,’ said Captain Cautious giving Giblets a thumbs up. The pair of heroes then pulled off the veil to reveal a faceless mannequin.

‘Did we pull too hard again?’ asked Giblets.

‘Not quite my deranged friend… that’s our enemy!’ said Captain Cautious pointing to the chicken.

‘You haven’t seen the last of me,’ said the chicken. ‘You may have been beaten me, but I…’

‘Holy shit CC it’s a talking chicken!’ shouted Giblets. ‘Anyone got a camera phone?’

‘As I was saying… next time we meet I will destroy…’

‘Wait answer the age old question… why did the chicken cross the road?’

‘To fuck your whore of a mother. So long dipshits!’

And with those final words the chicken ran away.

‘Blast it… the foul fowl got away from us,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘At least we have chicken,’ said Giblets.

Giblets picked up the several dead chicken and placed them on the counter.

‘We’ll have these to go with some fries and…. You still doing them cheesy bites things? Also give me like five or six of those BBQ sauce packets, two is never enough.’

In the police station, our motley crew are sat awaiting the words of one PI Chumlee. A proud and vigilant enforcer of the law, he had dedicated his life to protecting justice and dealing out punishment where he saw fit. Years of on the cold streets had made his features stern and as grey as his salt and pepper hair. Captain Cautious knew that the pair were facing some serious accusations, but Giblets was too busy eating chicken to care. Hush… he’s about to start.

‘ So let me get this clear… despite several warning you both dressed up again and went out your way to continue your vigilante activates. That you entered a hostile situation with numerous innocent bystanders at risk, shot a makeshift chainsaw crossbow into the facility and proceed to swing a brick on a chain around killing several dozen chickens in a family restaurant. Neither of you called the police or collected any of the discarded live weapons from the scene making sure anyone could walk in a pick up their own M15 whenever they wanted. So we have property damage, animal cruelty, disturbing the peace, possession of a lethal weapon and about seventeen people with post-traumatic stress disorder. But all this is fine because a ‘chicken’ leader was captured. No wait… she wasn’t because there was no chicken leader was there. Just nonsense coming out of a bunch of traumatised witnesses. Have either of you got anything to say for yourselves?’

‘That Chicken was real and so was her army,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Yeah I’m eating the evidence right now,’ said Giblet with a bucket on his lap.

‘You two are not getting out of this one… this is not the first time you’ve pulled this dumb shit,’ said PI Chumlee.

‘Name once we have ever put the lives of the very citizens we protect at risk,’ said Captain Cautious, ‘name even one.’

‘Pocket! Bring in the files!’

The door opened and a man that was two foot tall entered the room. He was dressed in a suit and had bristle moustache above his top lip. He held the files above his head as he reached to place them on the table.

No one ever knew whether Pocket was his real name for Pocket was a mute, but he was by far one of the most resourceful and effective researchers that the department had ever had. I guess the name just stuck after a while.

‘Yo Pocket!’ said Giblets, ‘you want some chicken?’

Giblets traded the file for a thigh piece and then lifted Pocket onto the table. Chumlee quickly snatched the file from Giblets and read out aloud the newspaper headlines before he threw the articles onto the table.

‘Superheroes smash Synagogue.’

‘That Briss was a cover up for drug smuggling and that Rabi had a knife!’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Pick pocket ring ends… 12 dead.’

‘Money has a lot of sentimental value to me,’ said Giblets. ‘I use it to buy the things I love like booze and hookers.’

‘Lumber mill fire.’

‘That wasn’t us,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘It burned down because that idiot was doing three point turns and parking manoeuvres in third gear and they had to cut him out when he crashed on the round about.’

‘I can only drive in third gear, give me a break. You know that’s a disability in more liberal parts of the world,’ said Giblets finishing off his latest piece of chicken.

‘You should both be sectioned or at least imprisoned if it wasn’t for our chief inspector who seems to take a shine to you both.’

PI Chumlee’s words faded away as Captain Cautious caught sight of one another news story within the cuttings. It was of the murder of another young woman.

‘Fear not my uniformed colleague I have fair solution to this problem,’ announced Captain Cautious. ‘We will track down this deadly delinquent and bring him to justice.’

‘Out of the question!’ shouted Chumlee.

‘Come along Giblets, the hour approaches. The hour of justice!’

‘Okay but I’m picking my shit up from the evidence locker, that crossbow was a bitch to make,’ said Giblets.

The pair ran out of the room, leaving Chumlee searing in rage and Pocket to consume what was left of the chicken.

At the morgue Captain Cautious and Giblets met up with a close ally, Dr Susan the Mortician. Giblets was forced to wait in the reception as he had been banned from interacting with Dr Susan after several attempts to hit on her and for generally playing around with her ‘patients’. Dr Susan presented the body of the latest victim to Captain Cautious.

‘The women are always stabbed, throat slit, but are otherwise untouched,’ she explained. ‘The cuts are incisors, like a medical tool or razor. Clean cut and precise, so we’re dealing with someone from the medical background.’

‘So some angry doctor is hunting down former patients?’

‘Not quite, nothing of these women have anything in common with the exception of receiving a message from their boyfriends an hour before they are attacked.’

‘Perhaps these men are part of some strange scorned lovers club?’

Dr Sally covered the body and walked towards a tank.

‘My thought at first, but then we found these,’ she said pointing to glass.

Inside floating were several faces that had been pierced and threaded with leather binds.

‘Riveting rascals are those masks real faces?’ asked Captain Cautious.

‘In one Captain, ‘said Dr Sally. ‘This killer wears the face of the victim’s partner.’

‘And I suspect they didn’t volunteer their faces.’

‘We find their bodies disposed of all over the place. We’ve been using dental records to identify them.’

‘So let me get all my pins in a row. The killer finds their boyfriend, kills them, cuts off their face, sends a text message…’

‘No Captain…. it’s a voice message. A voice message with clear instructions were to meet up, full of all the accents, idioms and phrases they would use.’

Captain Cautious looked closer at the faces as they floated around.

‘Do you think a man who was tortured long enough would sell out his girlfriend?’ asked Captain Cautious.

‘Men are scum in my experience, ‘said Dr Sally, ‘but out of ten men you’re saying all of them would sell their lover’s out? Even in the messages we don’t hear a signs of stress, they’re all calm and relaxed.’

‘Dear heavens above what are we facing?’

‘This isn’t random though. There is one clue, each of our victims had this one their person.’

Dr Sally revealed a loyalty card for a smoothie stand in the heart of the business centre of the city. Fruity Kiss. Captain Cautious thanked Dr Sally and headed towards the reception. Giblets was sat reading a magazine when Captain Cautious pulled it out of his hands.

‘Giblets we need to go fight evil at the Fruity Kiss smoothie stand, and not the natural sugars that led to tooth decay,’ said Captain Cautious. ‘We have a different crime to squash.’

‘Oh Squash like squashing fruit for drinking, very fucking clever, ‘said Giblets. ‘You know if you’re going to say a pun every three minutes you need to work on some new material.’

‘I’m sorry my aggravated associate, could you come up with this more poetic?’

‘Well… no.’

‘I see… perhaps when you are able to contribute you will be able to criticise. Now let’s get to the Safety speeder!’

At the business centre our heroes stake out their latest suspects, while hiding in the flora. With his safety goggles set to telescope, Captain Cautious analysis the culprits.

‘ It would seem our suspects are limited to a 50 year old Greek man, his fourteen year old daughter who is a bit on the chunky side or his wife/older daughter/ girlfriend with a taste for short pants and bare cleavage,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Yeah I like her melons,’ said Giblets.

‘Be that as it may, though fresh the fruit, none of these workers are wearing hairnets or gloves making this a health code violation.’

‘Okay so what the hell does that gotta do with Hannibal leather face copycat?’

‘Well that man does have a lot of practice cutting flesh.’

‘You see that’s not as bad a pun, it’s relevant to what we’re talking about, yet campy enough for the kids to enjoy.’

‘I would hardly call my utterances campy.’

‘Jesus Christ whatever… what’s the plan?’

Before anything could uttered, Captain Cautious’ safety sense tingled. A man stood by the stand was choking on his smoothie. Captain Cautious leapt into action.

‘Fear not spluttering civilian, a helping hand in on the way,’ shouted Captain Cautious.

Captain Cautious placed the choking victim into the Heimlich manoeuvre and he coughed up a cherry stone. Giblets examined the cup and took a sip.

‘Cherry and vanilla,’ he said.

‘And a dash of danger!’ said Captain Cautious pointing to the vendor.

The Greek man apologised and offered a refund, but Captain Cautious would not have it.

‘I’m afraid justice doesn’t take bribes or ‘refunds’,’ said Captain Cautious.

‘Kick his head in Captain,’ said Giblets, ‘I’ll interrogate this saucy wench and get the chubby one to make us a banana shakes.’

The Greek man ran through the business centre centre towards the edge of the high street stores. Captain Cautious took chase, his cape flying in the air. After a short race through various stalls, stores and side streets, Captain Cautious was close enough to active his safety powers. As the past the teddy bear building shop, Captain Cautious used his powers to send all the stuffing out of the machine and wrap around the Greek man. Eventually the man was weighed down by too much fluff and landed softly to the ground. Captain Cautious pulled the Greek man up by the collar.

‘You’ve been stuffed, now tell us about the girls!’ shouted Captain Cautious.

‘What?!’ he replied.

‘The faces, tell me about the faces it!’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about?!’

‘LIES!!!’

‘Captain Cautious!’ shouted Giblets.

‘Yes my crime fighting cooperative?’

‘Yeah I talked to the beauty, turns out she’s got a boyfriend and the whole cherry stone thing probably was just an accident.’

‘Then maybe she should have been more… cautious.’

‘Well after been shot down I figured that given all these women are connected by this stand maybe she could be vulnerable as another victim.’

‘Indeed, we need a way of keeping surveillance on those most in need.’

‘Well that guy you saved, turns out he’s a bit of an IT specialist. Says for enough money he’ll hook us up some phone hacking shit like the newspapers use.’

‘Invasion of people’s privacy… that’s wrong.’

‘So is mutilating people. Look we have CCTV everywhere and that’s actually looking into people’s lives. We just want to hear what people say, not judge them for their actions. I promise anything not related to the crime and we turn it off.’

‘I don’t know about this Giblets.’

‘Look I shoot a chainsaw and have brick on a chain as weapons. There was a point in this team up you have to accept I use certain questionable methods to get the job done. Really if the chainsaw is cool, this really is not that terrible.’

‘I frequently request you not bring the chainsaw crossbow.’

‘And yet here were are.’

‘Okay, but only for the safety of the innocent.’

Our heroes step towards the grey area of morality that is personal invasion in hopes to stop a greater terrible murder. Will this compromise of basic civil liberties pay off? Find out in next time boys and girls. And remember… SAFETY FIRST!

Glassman vs Dr Acid-Part 2

Previously: ‘Welcome to Sockoland’… ‘Dr Acid’… ‘dildo made of razor glass’… ‘Sockosaurus’…’ foot fetish?’ And now we return.

The Sockosaurus was a large mechanical dinosaur made entirely out of socks. It clunked towards both Glassman and the Burrower.

‘Wait so its teeth are socks?’ asked Glassman.

‘The most starch filled socks, harder than steel itself,’ shouted Dr Acid. ‘In fact the whole creature is full of starch.’

‘Wow this is really cool, let me take a picture for the kids,’ said The Burrower getting out his mobile phone.

The sock dinosaur gave a large roar as The Burrower snapped a picture.

‘Perfect,’ he said.

‘Now you’ve got the picture can we discuss how the hell we can take this thing out without me having any glass?!’ shouted Glassman.

The large sockosaurus then charged at the pair. They ran for their lives as Dr Acid laughed with glee.

‘Do something!’ shouted Glassman.

‘Like what?!’ shouted The Burrower.

‘Dig into it maybe?’

‘Yeah I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. My drill sort of not working recently.’

‘What?’

The Burrower twisted his hand drill and small sparks shot off it.

‘It sort of jams at times,’ he said.

Glassman smiled and stole the drill of the fat man.

‘A large sock monster covered in flammable chemicals… this is going to be a piece of piss.’

Glassman turned around and charged at the Sockosaurus. He then pierced the robot and started to turn the handle rapidly. The sparks combined with the friction of the drill part, the Sockosaurus quickly caught alight.

‘Fire… it’s one weakness,’ shouted Dr Acid. ‘…. And moths.’

‘Wow what a great strategy for world domination,’ shouted Glassman. ‘What would be the first thing they’d try and do to a sock based monster?’

The Sockosaurus roared out as in slowly twisted in place.

‘Is it in pain?’ asked The Burrower.

‘In hindsight maybe it was a bad idea to give in pain receptors,’ said Dr Acid as his creation finally died in the agony of flames.

‘So sad, too bad, whatever… now release my team mates or die,’ said Glassman.

Dr Acid clapped his hands and the floor opened up to reveal his prisoners. There in the pit were four people. One that Glassman recognised instantly was Starlett, though she was more rough then when had last seen her in the pub. The second was her on and off boyfriend Big B. He more slender than he remembered and the skin on his face and arms hung. Maybe he had been starved or maybe when one grows three times their size every day it takes a lot out of you. One was another old face, Halitosis, the man with deadly breath. His mouth was wired shut and his nose was pressed on a ventilator

‘Glassman, help is,’ shouted Starlett.

‘Don’t worry sweetheart I’m going to save you all.’

There a new face in the crowd.

‘Who’s that guy?’ asked Glassman.

‘That is Scott,’ said Dr Acid, ‘he drives the vehicles.’

‘That’s not a superpower.’

Scott stood up and scowled at Glassman.

‘Oh I’m sorry can you drive a helicopter that turns into a tractor?’ shouted Scott.

‘Why would I ever…’

‘Can you or can’t you?’

‘No, I can just create a pair of glass wings and lift myself off the ground.’

‘Shut up you has been.’

The Burrower took the drill off Glassman and pointed it to the ground.

‘Don’t worry everyone I’ll dig you out of this hole,’ said The Burrower.

Dr Acid whipped out a pistol from his lab coat and shot The Burrower in the knee.

‘Oh God!’ he shouted dropping to ground.

‘What the hell Dr Acid?!’ shouted Glassman, ‘what happened to acid attacks?’

‘Screw the rules,’ shouted Dr Acid.

He clicked his fingers and a large computer module rose next to him.

‘Now with the greatest heroes helpless, my plan will unfold,’ he said.

‘You know there are things like armies and police and your run of the mill vigilante so capturing us six is not that brilliant.’

‘But it is Glassman, for my plan is simple. Imagine a world full of people who truly understand you…’

‘Boring!’

‘A world where everyone shares your dreams and ideas. Imagine if you could put them all in one place and wipe out everything else.

‘Okay that sounds a bit more sinister.’

‘Sockoland is full of innocent people who just want to enjoy the simple things. Good clean family fun. No commercialism or symbolism, just sock puppets. We have women, children and men of all ages living peacefully. The island is self-sufficient, fertile soil from centuries of eruptions and fish that flock to the coast of the island. We don’t need anyone else. So I will do what is needed for my new people. I will make this volcano erupt to a new level; so powerful that the smog and the sulphur will blot out the sun and cause the next ice age. But with my technology this island will be safe and absorb all the energy to power the heating, the lights, electricity for thousands of years to come. Clean, pure thermo-lava energy, utopia made true.’

‘Why not do all that minus killing everyone you dick!’ shouted Starrlet.

‘Hmmm…. Maybe because I’m fucking evil. Did you click on that you stupid bitch.’

‘How did you guys lose to this freak?’ asked Glassman.

‘Complementary tickets to Sockoworld,’ said Big Bee, ‘we wanted to do something for Halitosis’s birthday.’

‘Seemed like a good idea at the time,’ said Scott.

‘He then burnt Halitosis’s throat so he couldn’t attack, kept me away from star light energy so I was out of energy and Big Bee was captured in the ‘Washing machine ride’ explained Starrlet.

‘I can’t stretch when I’m wet, why is that such a big deal?’ said Big Bee.

‘Why not do it now?’ asked Glassman.

Big Bee started to expand slowly before a blast of water soaked him from the ceiling. The whole group were dripping wet.

‘Wow we are pretty terrible heroes,’ said Scott.

‘Scott honey, you’re not really a hero okay,’ said Starrlet, ‘you’re just a driver. You got caught in line for Candy floss.’

‘But you can’t buy it in stores.’

‘Yes you can.’

‘Can someone get me a doctor!?’ shouted The Burrower trying to stop the flow of blood out of his leg.

‘I’m a doctor,’ beamed Dr Acid as shot another hole into the diabetic. ‘ Now I have everyone’s attention again just to recap: causing erupt, new ice age, killing all non-sock puppet loving life, then finishing you heroes and Scott off with my pistol. Any problems?’

‘I think I’d rather die than live your pussy universe,’ spat Glassman.

‘Fine.’

Dr Acid pulled the trigger and the bullet went through the disgruntled barman. Falling backwards Glassman’s vision started to blur. The only thing he could hear was the whisper of a woman’s voice.

‘Wake up.’

Glassman vs Dr Acid- Part 1

Glassman was sat opposite his teammate, the Burrower, whom was busy throwing up in a sick bag. The mission was to go find Dr Acid lair and seek out his old team mates. He was the only one who had previously beaten Dr Acid and could save them (plus the government was going to clean up some ‘monkey business’ that happened a while ago). The only issue was that the mission seemed impossible.

Dr Acid was operating on an island with an active volcano, however to cover up his activities he had built a theme park on the island as bonus revenue. ‘Sockoworld’ the world only sock puppet themed adventure experience; it promised rides such as the ‘NOM NOM’ ride and the ‘Pool of socks.’

When they landed, Glassman looked at the large stitched sign that welcomed guest in.

‘Who the hell would go to sock theme park?’ he said.

‘Oh my wife and I bought a family season pass,’ said the Burrower. ‘We come out here about two or three times a year with the kids and her mother. We all think it’s wonderful.’

‘Wait Burrower you have kids?’

‘Yeah.’

‘But you’re a terrible villain, how have you been able to support them?’

‘I do a job share as a systems analyst.’

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, also their holiday scheme is actually accumulative. I’ve not missed a day of work in seventeen years… if I keep this up I can retire five years earlier.’

‘Wow your company sounds awesome… have they got any opening?’

Before they could speak a man wearing a giant sock appeared in front of them.

‘Welcome to Sockoland, I’m Socko your best friend. Do you want a snuggle hug?’

‘No piss off,’ said Glassman. ‘We need to speak to your boss.’

‘My manager on his break right now sir…’

‘Oh… oh…Socko… I want I picture of you in my costume,’ said the Burrower. ‘I’ve never been able to be the Burrower while at Socko land.’

Glassman was forced to take part in various sock puppet themed activities to the delight of the Burrower. They eventually made their way to ‘The washing machine’. Glassman was drilled information during the queue by the Burrower about how it would spin you around, then fill up with water and foam before a final spin to dress out your clothes.

When it was their turn, the pair were strapped into their seats before the door was closed.

‘Hey… how many people fit onto this?’ asked Glassman.

‘Oh 200,’ replied the Burrower.

‘Then why are we the only two on it?’

The ride then began.

‘Oh bollocks!’ he shouted.

The pair were sucked into the drain and were washed away. They landed with a thud in front of a man in a lab coat. It was none other than Dr Acid; he had glowing green veins and yellow eyes.

‘Welcome Glassman,’ he hissed.

‘Why didn’t you just drown us?’ asked Glassman.

‘What?’

‘Why didn’t you just drown us both up there… what’s the point of going through this drama?’

‘Honestly, it for insurance reasons. Every person that disappeared or dies on a ride causes a massive amount of paperwork. Its better I kill you both and leave you behind the children’s puppet theatre later this afternoon with needles in your arms. And before you ask yes… we do have a drug problem here at Sockoland… I don’t know why drug addicts are attracted here, they just are.’

‘I don’t give a shit about your theme park, where the hell is my old team? Are dead or not, I just want to find out so I can get off this crappy island?’

‘Oh Glassman why so rushed don’t you want to see if we still have… chemistry?’

‘No.’

‘Oh come on don’t be so upset, you’ve yet to feel my… acid tongue.’

‘No not doing this.’

‘You don’t have any glass puns for me? Come on buddy, this is what we do.’

‘Okay how about this… let me just clear my throat. If you don’t tell me where my friends are I will take a dildo make of razor glass, run it in and out your anus as it spins into your stomach and then out your throat. I will then draw in back through into your lower intestines and make it shatter into a thousand pieces. Assuming blood lost hasn’t killed you, I will make those pieces explode into more shards, rebuild them into the shape of a badger that will burst from your guts and rip you apart. How do you feel about that Dr Acid… how the fuck do you feel about that!?’

Everyone went quiet.

‘What happened?’ asked Dr Acid. ‘We had a bit of respect for each other. It was a fun time.’

‘It wasn’t fun for me! I fucking hated being a hero! Now all I want is to be left the fuck alone and everyone keeps demanding my help!’ screamed Glassman. ‘If I don’t save these arseholes I’ll never be at peace. I don’t want to do this anymore Dr Acid alright… I just want to go home. Burrower, glass me so I can end this shit.’

‘I don’t have any glass, I thought you’d bring you own along,’ said the Burrower.

‘And the day just gets better!’

The room was absent of anything that could be made of glass; nothing but rock, metal, rubber and paper.

‘A laboratory with no glass… genius isn’t it,’ said Dr Acid. ‘But only second to my greatest invention… the Sockosaurus!’

‘Before you unleash this thing… what with the sock obsession man. Is it like a foot fetish thing? Just help me out here,’ said Glassman, ‘I just don’t get it. Anyone… anyone?’

‘My wife and I enjoy role playing with stockings… but not socks,’ said the Burrower.

‘No you should have paid more attention to my origin story,’ said Dr Acid. ‘Now kill them my beast.’

There was clunk and a screech from the darkness behind the misfit pair.

The Return of Glassman

 

When Glassman returned to his flat, the lights were flickering. Sat on his chair was a stranger wearing a suit; he had a long moustache and in his hand held a brandy glass.

‘Hello Glassman,’ he said sipping his drink.

‘No,’ said Glassman pointing to the door he had just walked through.

‘I’ve been waiting for you.’

‘Don’t care, fuck off before this gets bloody.’

‘Now, now, we can’t be so rude.’

‘I fucking can, now you got three seconds before my windows turn into saw blades and slice you into pieces!’

The stranger continued to sip his drink.

‘Where did you get the brandy from? I don’t have brandy?’ asked Glassman.

‘My own personal supply,’ said the Stranger.

‘Who carries brandy around with them… wait I don’t care. Right screw it, say goodbye to your drink.’

Glassman flicked his wrist and the brandy glass shattered into pieces. The stranger got out from his seat and found another glass. He then unscrewed his finger tip and a stream of brandy poured from it.

‘Okay that’s something new,’ said Glassman.

‘I’ll brief Glassman, some of your old team mates have been captured… presumed dead,’ explained the Stranger.

‘Not my problem.’

‘There is no one who can stop him but…’

‘Not… my…problem…ass…hole…’

‘Don’t you care who ‘him’ is?’

‘No, I only care that there’s some brandy drinking squatter who refused to piss off!’

The glass shattered again. The Stranger then found a mug and refilled his drink.

‘The man in question is him,’ said the Stranger sipping his drink.

‘Him?’ asked Glassman.

‘Him.’

‘The rock band?’

‘No… Dr Acid your arch rival.’

Glassman shrugged his shoulders.

‘Dr Acid vs Glassman, the greatest clash if history,’ said the Stranger. ‘The man who could burn through all but glass, against the man who cuts all, but that which dissolves.’

‘Is that really the best description… like why not slash vs splash?’

‘You seriously don’t remember him?’

‘No, seriously I just don’t care. Look the last time I met an old arch enemy there was legal issues and a fucking mess of paperwork, vet bills, threats from PETA. I haven’t got time to chase this guy up.’

The stranger continued to sip his brandy.

‘Go home!’ shouted Glassman.

‘They need you Glassman, the world needs you,’ said the Stranger.

‘I don’t need anyone. I got a bar job and this flat… and other stuff so I’m doing okay.’

‘Just okay?’

‘Shut up!’

Glassman levitated the glass shards and formed a crossbow in his hand. He then shot a glass bolt into the Stranger. The Stranger smirked with the bolt in his chest.

‘Sorry my dear boy, but my body is actually a hard light hologram,’ he explained as he pulled out the blot.

‘So where’s the brandy going if it’s not hitting your stomach?’

‘Through my mouth, down my throat and into the chair I’m sat on,’ he said as he took another sip.

‘Stop pouring brandy all over my flat you dick hole! Jesus Christ can I go anywhere without some crazy person trying to fight me or waiting me to be a superhero. I went to buy milk yesterday and some guy dressed as a pink rabbit was swinging a bag of carrots around and throwing eggs at people. The Rabid Rabbit. I pushed him through the freezer section of the shop and placed four crates of booze on it until the police arrived. If I walk out my apartment now, I bet another wanker is going to harass the shit out of me. Even when I sleep, fucking Dream Walker ask to borrow money. Have you ever had a dream where a guy you know pesters you for money for eight hours? I have… I FUCKING HAVE!’

The Stranger looked at the pink faced superhero.

‘New deal, help us recover your old team mates and we make the King Ba-Boom lawsuit disappear. Deal?’ asked the Stranger.

‘Fine… just get out my flat before it gets any more ruined,’ mumbled Glassman.

‘Splendid, now for your team mate…’

‘No, I work solo.’

‘He’s already on his way.’

The floor began to shake and rumble and the floor cracked.

‘Oh for fuck sake no… not working with him.’

A drill pierced through the floor to real the squatted pot belly of The Burrower.

‘I’m back!’ shouted the Burrower.

‘He’s a villain, he doesn’t have any super powers, he’s grossly unfit for combat and he’s diabetic. Why the fuck would you hire him?’

‘We are an equal opportunities employer. He’s got the directions and all the paperwork to get you to Dr Acid location. Good luck Glassman and God speed.’

The Stranger then snapped his fingers and the side of the flat was demolished by a single blast. A rope ladder was thrown down from a helicopter and the Stranger flew off into the distance.

‘Why does no one ever use the fucking door?!’ screamed Glassman.

Glassman’s Date with Danger

 

In a small restaurant within the city, Glassman is sat in his best cloths opposite a slightly bloated woman in an unflattering floral dress. Her name was Flo and she looks nothing like the picture on the website and frankly, her personality was much to be desired. Glassman is regretting this decision as he looks at the price list.

‘So what is your job again?’ asked Flo.

‘You know… this and that. barman, glass fitter… whatever comes up,’ he replied.

‘Oh… it just my friend saw your picture and said you were a superhero.’

‘No I kind of gave that up.’

‘But she said last month you took out an army of monkeys?’

‘Yeah for legal reasons it’s best I not talk about it.’

He took a sip of water.

‘Well I’m in retail right now, but I’m hoping to train up in childcare,’ Flo said.

‘Great… so they got a 2 for 1 deal on chicken, thought that might be a good idea?’ said Glassman.

The room began to shake as the light fitting caused the bulbs to flicker. Tables collapsed and a crack appeared in the centre of the room.

‘It comes with a choice of two sides,’ said Glassman his eyes fixed on the menu.

A large drill piece entered from the ground and a small squat of a man with a potbelly appeared.

‘The Burrower lives!’ he shouted as he pulled out an electric drill.

‘Oh my God, someone needs to stop him,’ shouted Flo.

‘I mean… we can add chips for extra, but I think it does okay on its own,’ said Glassman.

The Burrow started to jab his drill into the wall and create a series of holes.

‘Do something?’ shouted Flo.

‘He’s a diabetic, give him a minute and he’ll be crashing down,’ said Glassman.

‘Do you know him?’

‘Regrettably… yes. He’ll tire out of soon.’

The Burrower slowed down and reached for a chocolate bar in his back pocket. He then took a seat and ate it, wheezing as he struggled to keep his head up.

‘Oh poor thing,’ said Flo as she went to help the weakened villain.

‘I need my insulin,’ said The Burrower, ‘I can’t find my E-pen.’

‘There’s a hospital just a few streets away,’ said Flo.

Everyone in the restaurant looked at Glassman. Glassman rolled his eyes, dropped his menu and picked The Burrower over his shoulder. He carried him outside the restaurant to the cheers of the room.

‘You’re a real hero Glassman,’ said Flo.

‘I’m not calling you back,’ grunted Glassman.

Glassman’s Baby Blues

 

The city had a new threat and only seventeen other heroes within a 15 minute walk could have intervened, but once again it was Glassman to the rescue.

‘You know I come to buy a God damn radiator bleeding key and then I have to deal with this arsehole,’ he shouted.

A man stood in front of him with several babies wrapped to his body from his shoulders and neck, down to his shins.

‘I am the unstoppable Duct tape Man and I have created living armour! No bullet would dare strike, no weapon would consciously pierce and by no means would anyone harm my baby armour.’

Glassman punched out a car window and turned the shards into a crossbow.

‘Take your shot Glassman, but can you afford to miss?’ heckled Duct tape man.

Glassman lowered the crossbow.

‘Look this is fine in the short term, but what are you going to do when they need changing?’ asked Glassman.

‘Well I might get a rash and granted I smell like stale vomit and shit, but I’ll be rich,’ said Ductape man.

He then pulled out a plank of wood with a hedgehog attached to it, ‘now back off!’

One of the babies attached to his arms then vomited.

‘Seriously what is it that you want? What possibly is worth going through all this crap?!’ said Glassman.

‘I need money and the only job I can get right now is in a call centre. So this is my only option for alternative income.’

‘Well it’s an explanation at least, call centre fucking suck.’

The sun had risen and everyone was stating to feel the heat. The babies were becoming fussy and started to scratch and wriggle, while the screaming was deafening.

‘Ouch,’ shouted Duct tape man, ‘I forgot to trim their nails, they’re so damn sharp.’

Another baby threw up and several started screeching. Duct tape man started to cradle various limbs and trying to calm them down.  The sweat started to drip from his body and suddenly the weight of the infants were beating the adhesive. One by one the babies slid down to safety until Ductape man was left bare.

‘Oh shit,’ he said as Glassman lifted up the crossbow.

The glass bolt shot into Ductape man and he let out a whimper as the bolt shattered inside of him.

‘No need to be such a cry baby,’ said Glassman.

‘That was a terrible pun,’ shouted Ductape man.

‘Right, so where did you get all the babies from?’

Duct tape can started pulling shards out of him and covering his wound with duct tape.

‘They’re my kids… fuck I’m gonna lose custody all over again.’

‘Really? Geez you get around don’t you. You’re not even a serious villain either, like an anti-Batman: evil, poor and highly practical tools. Seriously look at you; you just had a roll of duct tape and a hedgehog on a stick. What kind of women sees you and goes ‘ OMG how sexy… SLOSH!’

‘You sound like you got issues.’

Glassman shot another bolt into Duct tape man.

‘Right so I’m done with this fucking mess,’ said Glassman.

‘Come back! My exs’ will kill me,’ shouted Duct tape man

And so Glassman bravely abandoned several defenceless infants and their mortally wounded father without ringing for an ambulance. Another chapter finished in the epic saga of Glassman!

Glassman: a trip down memory lane

 

The peaceful city… IS UNDER ATTACK! A new menace has come forward and only one superhero can step forward… assuming he can get the time off. Glassman, the man with the power to control glass has managed to get a lift to the crime scene by his ex-girlfriend Veronica.

‘We’re here,’ said Veronica.

‘Thanks,’ says Glassman as he undoes his seatbelt.

Before exiting Glassman was forced to speak his mind.

‘Did you find my DVD yet?’

‘No… I’ll look for it later.’

‘It’s just I asked for it a while ago and I don’t want to pester…’

‘Is this about Peter moving in with me?’

‘No… though while he’s moving in you happen to find my DVD…’

‘Look we had something special, but things got complicated. Between the late shifts and saving the city we just weren’t a couple anymore.’

‘Veronica I just want to watch The Dark Knight again okay. Just post it when you find it.’

With that Glassman got out the car to face his newest foe: The Retro tinker.

‘WAZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!’ shouted the Retro tinker, his tongue full extended.

Glassman looked around and saw a variety of retro toys scattered about in Police cars: Rubix cubes, Pogs, Furbies, hula hoops, Slinkies , Original Gameboys and Larva lamps.

‘What the deal then?’ groaned Glassman.

‘What cha talkin about Glassman?’ asked Retro tinker.

‘What’s your powers, why are a threat?’

‘I turn stuff into other stuff… mostly retro toys from the 90’s to the 60’s.’

‘Okay so… why did the police show up?’

‘I wanted to urinate in the street, but they wouldn’t let me so I turned them into toys and there’s no changing them back.’

‘They’re dead in a sense then.’

‘Circle gets the square.’

Glassman rolled his eyes, ‘so how do I get you to stop turning people into Ebay fodder?’

‘You don’t… I just keep going until I get bored with playing with all these toys.’

‘ Well you got a large supply now… wait what about one of those red camera things with the paper circles. Fuck what were they called?’

‘View-masters, yeah I need to get one of them.’

And with a blast of his cosmic nuclear powers given to him by a radioactive bite from Jim Hendrix Retro tinker turned a police car into a retro viewer. Glassman took it and clicked through it.

‘Wow it’s all pictures of New York… Madison square Gardens, the Empire State Building… the world trade…oh that’s depressing.’

Glassman and Retro tinker stood silently.

‘Wait can you make me a DVD of…’ asked Glassman, but Retro tinker shook his head. ‘Right either stop turning things into this crap or I’ll have to beat you.’

‘Say what? You can’t beat me Glassman!’

Glassman flicked his wrist in the air and a lava lamp smashed over the Retro tinker’s head. The lava goo burnt down his face and he landed face down in a pool of boiling water.

‘Yep… that’ll do,’ said Glassman, leaving Retro tinker to drown in his own blood.

Powerless telepathy

It was great having this power when I was younger. I could guess what would be on the exams at school and I had a sassy reply ready for any bitchy comments that were aimed at me. It was all perfect until I discovered boys. The things on their minds would make my skin crawl. Devon lied through his teeth and I could never let my guard down. Frigid… sensible more like. Then there was William who was suicidal through his smile. Even in bed the thought rushed through him, so I had to end it easy. Then there was Matt. I never saw it coming, him cheating on me. He was too good at hiding things from me. He said it was an accident and he generally believed it, that’s why I didn’t pick up on it. The only problem with leaving him was that I was still the one holding the baby. Now as a single mother I have a flood of thoughts aimed at me; a mixture of criticism and pity. I only wish the world could read my mind. They would know how much I love my baby and that they can stop judging me.