With zombies crawling around the place and the world turned on it’s head, two friends have boarded themselves up with limited contact. With a healthy variety of supplies, the two Tom’s, Welch and Isaac, now must wait out the apocalypse for some other brave heroes. These are the non-adventures of those LOCKED-IN.
From outside the window, Isaac looked out at the shambling corpse of the living dead. The horror of the decaying faces and the putrid presence of walking decay. The nightmares of rotten flesh that hung from bones and the slime of disembowelled intestines swinging in the wind.
‘ Hey Welch,’ shouted Isaac, ‘ There’s a zombie with a fucking boner!’
‘ That’s pretty gay Isaac,’ echoed Welch.
‘ It’s hilarious, it must be rigamortis or some shit. Tell me outside some weird sexual fantasy underground shit, they mention zombie dick. Well there it is now, like a flag pole.’
‘ Get away from the window, you’re letting the light out!’
Isaac drew the curtain back.
‘ Come on it’s just a little fun dude,’ said Isaac.
‘ Look we survived this long by playing it’s safe, keeping to ourselves’ said Welch. ‘No loud noises, no bright lights and most important of all.’
‘ No going outside,’ groaned Isaac. ‘ I just wonder if we’re missing something staying here.’
*
Marzo Lance had just buried his chainsaw into the skull of a zombie and let the cord rip with his teeth. The blades spun and exploded the zombie’s head.
‘ Okay you rotten fuckers… time for you to feel my bite!’
He then went off carving several zombies into chunks.
*
‘I doubt we’re missing anything,’ said Welch. ‘ I’m going to make a Martini.’
Isaac took a seat on the sofa away from the window, when the string tin can rattled on the wall.
‘ Welch, phone!’ shouted Isaac.
‘ I’m making a drink, you need to get it!’ shouted Welch from the kitchen.
‘ Fine, you lazy bastard. Why do I have to do fucking everything.’
Isaac got up and answered the tin can.
‘ Hello?’
‘ Oh Jesus Christ Isaac, we need your help,’ shouted the voice down the can.
‘ Geeze Nathan I’d love to help, but we’re kind of struggling ourselves here.’
‘ Please my sister got bit and we had to put her down. We ran out of food and there’s nothing left on the shelves.’
‘Look I get it man, I’m sorry you’re on hard times. I’m lucky because I started looting before patient X escaped and infected half the military. Honestly though we’re starting to struggle ourselves.’
‘Isaac, where’s the olives!?’ shouted Welch.
Isaac covered his hand over the can as he shouted, ‘ We ran out!’
‘ How the hell did you let this happen?! Now how am I gonna have a Martini?!’
Isaac returned to the can, ‘ Look Nathan, I’m going to suggest the thought that’s already gone through your head by now. Eat your sister.’
‘Wait…what?’ said the voice from the can.
‘ I don’t think it counts as incest when your reduced to cannibalism, so you’re all good on that end of things.’
‘ I can’t fucking do that man, please just give me some of your food.’
‘ We all got problems.’
‘ Who’s on the phone?!’ shouted Welch.
‘ It’s Nathan he’s bitching about life again,’ said Isaac.
‘ Tell him about the olives!’
‘ Oh yeah, we ran out of olives so were all having issues of our own.’
‘ Please guys, I’m alone now and I lost the only person in the world,’ sobbed Nathan.
‘ Oh no… the can’s breaking up now… you need…. get a fry…cook for twelve… side of mayonnaise..’
Isaac hung up the can and went back to his sofa.
‘ Welch, bring in box of red wine while you’re there!’ shouted Isaac. ‘ And the Doritos… cheesy.’
‘ I’m not your fucking slave!’ shouted Welch.
‘ No you’re the kitchen bitch, now bring them to me!’
Welch eventually arrived with the box of red wine, Doritos and his Martini.
‘ Where’s my glass?’ said Isaac.
‘ In the kitchen… bitch,’ said Welch with a smile.
‘ Son of a bitch.’
Isaac got off the sofa and went into the kitchen to fetch a glass.
‘ What do you want to do tonight?’ asked Welch.
‘ Anything to put me off the fucking zombies,’ shouted Isaac, ‘ what DVD’S do we have?’
Welch read out the collection.
‘ Dawn of the dead, Land of the night, Night of the living dead, Planet terror, Resident evil, Evil dead, Army of darkness, Shaun of the dead, 28 days later… wow we have a lot of zombie films.’
‘ What about Glee?’ asked Isaac.
‘ What about… NO! It looks like it’s either Thundercats or Transformers.’
‘ Fine, but any series but the first. I feel like I’ve seen that fuckwit Star-scream make a tit of the Decepticons 1,000 times now.’
‘ Season three it is. Now go get popcorn, while I set it up.’
‘ Bloody hell I just came back from the kitchen.’
Isaac rustled around in the stockroom while Welch set up the first disk of season three.
‘ It’s good to know that while the world’s going to hell, our lives are continuing as full as ever,’ said Welch.
‘ Really? Maybe our lives are still as empty as they were before, that even the end of the world isn’t enough to effect it?’
‘ Wow, and I thought I was a pessimist.’
‘ It’s the zombie apocalypse and we haven’t even killed a zombie yet. This is the shittiest way to live the end of our days.’
‘ No one stopping you making a weapon and going out there!’
Isaac popped his head around the corner.
‘ With what? I didn’t steal a welding kit or the how-to guide on weapons design. Hell all the wood and nails were used to keep this place air tight and on lock down. Plus I hated playing Dead rising so I never really go to make any of the cool weapons.’
‘ Well that’s what you get for being useless,’ said Welch.
‘ Yeah well there’s no popcorn so you’re shit out of luck with that.’
‘ Damn it Isaac!’
‘ Looting priorities did not include popcorn.’
‘ Yet 30 bottles of pirate mate bubble bath made it on the list.’
‘ Hey! Don’t knock the pirate, it’s good stuff.’
Isaac then froze on the spot.
‘ Errr…Welch?’ he said
‘ What is it?’ said Welch.
‘ Come look at this.’
‘ If it’s your nob, it’s not suppose to be so… oh feck!’
On the kitchen floor was a zombie, crawling towards the pair.
‘ How the feck did it get it?!’ shouted Welch.
‘ I don’t know,maybe that sodding cat flap you insisted we have so we can house all the cats in the world.’
‘ It was two cats!’
‘ All the cats in the world!’
The zombie groaned and reached for the lads.
‘ Well here’s you chance dude, ‘ said Welch.
‘ What?’ asked Isaac.
‘ You were all ‘ not getting into the spirit of the zombie apocalypse’ like three minutes ago. Go kill it.’
‘ Well help me find something!’
The kitchen was full of empty bottles, dirty dishes and empty boxes.
‘ Okay how about the chair legs?’ asked Isaac.
‘ We are not breaking a perfectly good chair,’ said Welch.
The zombie continued towards them at increased speed.
‘ Wait I have my steel toe cap boots upstairs,’ said Isaac. ‘ I’ll whip them on and kick this thing to hell.’
Isaac then ran out the room and up the stairs.
‘ Don’t leave me alone with this thing!’ shouted Welch.
The zombie slowly rose to it’s feet.
‘ Oh feck… oh feck… or bloddy fucking feck,’ shouted Welch as he threw everything not pinned down at the zombie.
The zombie then grappled Welch by the shoulders.
‘ Hurry up!’ shouted Welch.
‘ I can’t find them, but I found something else!’ echoed Isaac’s voice.
‘ What?! ‘
The clatter of footsteps and Isaac appeared in the kitchen holding a large glass jar of olives.
‘ Die Tybalt!’ shouted Isaac as the jar shattered over the zombie’s head.
It crumpled to the ground and gave it’s last groan.
‘ Feck Isaac,’ shouted Welch.
‘ I know we actually killed one of them,’ said Isaac.
‘ No you idiot you just lost all my olives!’
‘ What else was I going to use?’
‘ Anything else… anything not olive related!’
The pair looked at the mess on the floor.
‘ What can we do now with it?’ asked Isaac. ‘ I don’t think it’s gonna flush down the toilet.’
‘ No I don’t think that’s going to work either Thomas, I think that would be a dumb idea,’ said Welch. ‘ What we should do is go outside and burn this thing.’
‘ We don’t have fuel to spare.’
‘ Yeah and I would never trust you with fire after last time.’
‘ Then I’m dragging it to the spare room until we come up with an idea.’
‘ Oh it will smell.’
‘ It already smells from when Harry blew his brains out when all the porn servers got taken down for military communication.’
Isaac pulled the zombie by the legs, but struggled to get him out the kitchen.
‘ Wait a minute, remember that time we got drunk and talked about what if we had to kill someone?’ said Isaac.
‘ No,’ said Welch.
‘ Yes you do, you agreed if I did the killing…’
‘ I would carry the corpse… I got to cut down on drinking when I hang out with you.’
‘ Right, now help me get Carl upstairs.’
‘ You named it?’
‘ He did have humanity once?’
‘ Yeah ,but his wallet says he was called Steven.’
‘ I prefer Carl.’
The pair struggled to get the dead weight as far as the living room.
‘ Just so you know we’re not keeping him.,’ said Welch.
‘ Says the man who wants to house all the cats in the world,’ said Isaac.
‘ Two cats… two.’
‘ Where are they anyway?’
*
The cats watched the zombies shambled along as the horde caught their latest victim. As the screams of horror went out, one of the cats licked it’s fur while the other curled up asleep in the cloths of the abandoned suitcase.
*
‘Look can we just do this whole body moving thing after Transformers?’ asked Welch. ‘The whole point of today was just forgetting about the zombies and just enjoying life for once.’
‘ It’s the same attitude we have to doing the dishes,’ said Isaac ‘ and taking the bins out.’
‘ We can’t take the bins out and we need to preserve water supplies. Anyway no one collects the bins anymore.’
‘ There are trucks outside every three weeks and men in bio-suits. What are they collecting?’
‘ Bodies.’
‘ Oh… so why don’t we just throw Carl outside and let them collect him?’
‘ Because I’m not letting anyone from the government know we’re here. Otherwise we get thrown in one of the camps and wait to die.’
‘ Fine, I’m propping him up in the spare chair and Carl can watch this with us.’
With a can of beer pushed into his hand, the two friends sat with their drinks and the rotting corpse of Carl to the sounds of transformers.
Colourful imagination with grey thoughts 