I am ready for the step?

 

I’m coming up to 25 soon and I’m single. I’ve been dipping into the horrors of online dating for about a year now. Needless to say there have been some interesting adventures: from traveling to Liverpool to meet a very eccentric girl to having to drink three hours of my life away on a girl who just wasn’t what she claimed to be. Now time getting on and there’s an option that I keep rejecting.

In general my type is average weight, height 5 foot or taller and generally anyone who is open minded and not thick as shit. One thing that I do make an acceptation for is women who already have kids from another relationship. So far I pretty much ignore women who have kids. My reasoning (right or wrong) are the following:

Some my friends would look down on me for it. To them I would be a sucker who was raising someone else’s kid while the real father burns his money on a good time. Worse I would probably have to deal with this guy on a weekly-monthly basis. If there relationship is poor then I would end up being sucked into a drama I really have no right to be part of.  Hell imagine being in a situation where he (evil ex) is in the right and my girlfriend is in the wrong… I have to pick sides and my nature is to support the rational one. I would basically become an emotional punching bag for shit I don’t want to be involved in.

Then how would the kids feel about it. I’m not replacing dad, but I’m sure they’ll feel like it. I can’t be bothered trying to win a battle because unless the father a serious head case, I am never going to be respected. While I have a lot of experience working with kids, if they don’t share the same interest with me then I don’t know what the hell to do. Just buy their respect? I can’t afford that.

Then there’s my personal need to have kids, my kids with my blood and genetics. I don’t know how I can honestly say now that I wouldn’t favour my kid against a child that’s not mine. That not fair on the children and it sure as hell would cause a rift with my partner and me.

Finally let’s say things don’t work out. I’ve bonded with the kids, they’ve bonded with me, but then I have to leave their lives forever. How much heart ache is that going to cause for everyone. Splitting up is bad enough as it is, but now there’s side causalities? It just seems to be a huge gamble to play that effect people who have no choice in the matter.

I don’t know if it’s a lack of maturity or life experience on my part. I’m not saying men shouldn’t date or marry women who have children from previous relationships. I just don’t know if there’s a point in my life when I’ll have to accept it as an option rather than being alone. I am too young to consider that as an option or should I have a change in mind set?  Maybe when you fall in love it doesn’t matter and it all slips into place. The trouble is love seems to be meant for other people.

Powerless telepathy

It was great having this power when I was younger. I could guess what would be on the exams at school and I had a sassy reply ready for any bitchy comments that were aimed at me. It was all perfect until I discovered boys. The things on their minds would make my skin crawl. Devon lied through his teeth and I could never let my guard down. Frigid… sensible more like. Then there was William who was suicidal through his smile. Even in bed the thought rushed through him, so I had to end it easy. Then there was Matt. I never saw it coming, him cheating on me. He was too good at hiding things from me. He said it was an accident and he generally believed it, that’s why I didn’t pick up on it. The only problem with leaving him was that I was still the one holding the baby. Now as a single mother I have a flood of thoughts aimed at me; a mixture of criticism and pity. I only wish the world could read my mind. They would know how much I love my baby and that they can stop judging me.