Glassman goes Bananas

 

So my friend Welch loves the Glassman series (a lot) and during a car drive he wanted me to write one based on his idea.  So here it.

 

The bar was quiet… too quiet. Glassman walked out the bar to see a line outside the building opposite. The new restaurant had opened, ‘Monkey Bars’ a new franchise that had stormed the hospitality business. Now there was one ready to run his out of a job. He got in line and waiting his turn to be ushered in by the bouncers. They were gorillas in suits and one had a scar across his face that Glassman knew all too well.

‘No it can’t be?’ he muttered as he walked through the doors.

He examined the bar and saw on the ceiling hanging ropes and bars that chimpanzee waiters carried drinks to tables. On the bar a mandarin threw cocktail shakers in the air as baboons broke coconuts in half for mixers. It had music, lights and energy that the pub lacked. Even the menu had fresh ingredients and wide range of options to choose from; the grilled section was to die for. Maybe it was worth suggesting a few new changes to the pub. Then an old foe came into sight and Glassman was ready to strike.

‘King Ba-BOOM,’ he shouted pointing to the manager.

‘Oh Glassman how nice it is to see you again…’ said King Ba-BOOM but his words were cut short.

‘For the last time, I’ve heard that before.’

‘No, no, no please I hope to see you again and again. Please take a seat I’ll get you a drink.’

A click of the fingers and a drink was handed to Glassman.

‘So what’s your plan this time to take over the world? Poison drinks, hypnotic cocktails or under cover assassin caters. Tell me!’

‘It’s over Glassman. My monkey army is aged and vet bills drained my resources. We had to find a new sustainable life style to incorporate 10,000 primates. This was my last option, the hospitality industry. I already hand the man power, I just needed to focus it. Now ‘Monkey Bars’ it a hit.

‘Oh…’

‘Yeah I even have Matchbox working the grill. For a pyromaniac he makes a wonderful prawn grill. Should I get him out to say hi?’

‘No it’s fine. So you’re not evil anymore.’

King Ba-BOOM started laughing and his entire restaurant began to howl with monkey hoots.

‘No I’m still evil, it just legal now. I mean having a monopoly is like taking over the world, so once I’ve driven out the competition I will rule the world… of restaurants.’

Glassman gave a smirk.

‘So you’re still evil then?’

Glassman swiped his arm across the room and caused all the glass to break. Spirit bottles exploited, wine glasses crumbled and the windows blasted out.

‘Get the hell off my street,’ said Glassman and he kicked the door open knocking the gorilla bouncer down.

The place was trashed and all there was left was Matchbox to enter carrying a freshly cooked steak.

‘We just got BURNED!’ he shouted.

‘Shut up and finish table 12’s order,’ grumbled King Ba-BOOM.

Glassman: a trip down memory lane

 

The peaceful city… IS UNDER ATTACK! A new menace has come forward and only one superhero can step forward… assuming he can get the time off. Glassman, the man with the power to control glass has managed to get a lift to the crime scene by his ex-girlfriend Veronica.

‘We’re here,’ said Veronica.

‘Thanks,’ says Glassman as he undoes his seatbelt.

Before exiting Glassman was forced to speak his mind.

‘Did you find my DVD yet?’

‘No… I’ll look for it later.’

‘It’s just I asked for it a while ago and I don’t want to pester…’

‘Is this about Peter moving in with me?’

‘No… though while he’s moving in you happen to find my DVD…’

‘Look we had something special, but things got complicated. Between the late shifts and saving the city we just weren’t a couple anymore.’

‘Veronica I just want to watch The Dark Knight again okay. Just post it when you find it.’

With that Glassman got out the car to face his newest foe: The Retro tinker.

‘WAZZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!’ shouted the Retro tinker, his tongue full extended.

Glassman looked around and saw a variety of retro toys scattered about in Police cars: Rubix cubes, Pogs, Furbies, hula hoops, Slinkies , Original Gameboys and Larva lamps.

‘What the deal then?’ groaned Glassman.

‘What cha talkin about Glassman?’ asked Retro tinker.

‘What’s your powers, why are a threat?’

‘I turn stuff into other stuff… mostly retro toys from the 90’s to the 60’s.’

‘Okay so… why did the police show up?’

‘I wanted to urinate in the street, but they wouldn’t let me so I turned them into toys and there’s no changing them back.’

‘They’re dead in a sense then.’

‘Circle gets the square.’

Glassman rolled his eyes, ‘so how do I get you to stop turning people into Ebay fodder?’

‘You don’t… I just keep going until I get bored with playing with all these toys.’

‘ Well you got a large supply now… wait what about one of those red camera things with the paper circles. Fuck what were they called?’

‘View-masters, yeah I need to get one of them.’

And with a blast of his cosmic nuclear powers given to him by a radioactive bite from Jim Hendrix Retro tinker turned a police car into a retro viewer. Glassman took it and clicked through it.

‘Wow it’s all pictures of New York… Madison square Gardens, the Empire State Building… the world trade…oh that’s depressing.’

Glassman and Retro tinker stood silently.

‘Wait can you make me a DVD of…’ asked Glassman, but Retro tinker shook his head. ‘Right either stop turning things into this crap or I’ll have to beat you.’

‘Say what? You can’t beat me Glassman!’

Glassman flicked his wrist in the air and a lava lamp smashed over the Retro tinker’s head. The lava goo burnt down his face and he landed face down in a pool of boiling water.

‘Yep… that’ll do,’ said Glassman, leaving Retro tinker to drown in his own blood.

Powerless telepathy

It was great having this power when I was younger. I could guess what would be on the exams at school and I had a sassy reply ready for any bitchy comments that were aimed at me. It was all perfect until I discovered boys. The things on their minds would make my skin crawl. Devon lied through his teeth and I could never let my guard down. Frigid… sensible more like. Then there was William who was suicidal through his smile. Even in bed the thought rushed through him, so I had to end it easy. Then there was Matt. I never saw it coming, him cheating on me. He was too good at hiding things from me. He said it was an accident and he generally believed it, that’s why I didn’t pick up on it. The only problem with leaving him was that I was still the one holding the baby. Now as a single mother I have a flood of thoughts aimed at me; a mixture of criticism and pity. I only wish the world could read my mind. They would know how much I love my baby and that they can stop judging me.